SHADY MOVIE THROWBACKS: Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over

Just a brief warning: this is gonna be a long one.



Guys, I don't even know what to say. I promised this review last April, and here we are in April 2018. As Jeff Goldblum said in Jurassic Park, life got in the way. Wait, what do you mean, that's not what he said???

But in any case...Yup. I am finally tackling the video game movie to end all video game movies. The greatest of all time. My own personal white whale. But if you've been reading my posts in recent months, you damn well knew this was coming.

By the way, I went looking for a cool variant of the film's 
poster, but as it turns out, this movie didn't have any.

Let's talk about the poster while we're on the subject. It's the same general idea as the other Spy Kids posters: general red theme, main characters in the foreground while faded-out versions of secondary characters' disembodied faces linger in the background, various plot devices flying toward the screen, etc. This one in particular, I have a few problems with.

1. The inclusion of Carmen in the foreground. She is in this movie for a grand total of, like, five minutes. She doesn't even do anything particularly important, which makes her position at the very forefront of the poster especially ridiculous. You could even argue she's closer to the forefront than Juni, which is preposterous hogwash. Juni is the real star of the film, folks. 

2. The exclusion of any of the other kid characters other than Carmen and Juni. I mean, you've got Rez, Arnold, Francis, Demetra (an iconic character who everyone had a crush on in 2003, including me. Yes, I said it)... All of these are more important characters than Carmen or the adults who appear in the poster, and yet, none of them are given a place upon the poster. The disrespect is real. Ageism at work.

3. The stuff flying toward the screen. Ralph the robot bug, who appears in this movie for literally ten seconds at the beginning. The Tobor-esque robot with the bulging eyes, who also barely makes an appearance. That random metal spike thing that... you know, I don't even know what the hell that is, much less its role in the movie. These items are cool and 8-year-old-boy-friendly and all, but they're not relevant! You might as well insert George Clooney's President Devlin to attract the 36-year-old wine mom demographic. (Yes, George Clooney is in this movie. And actually, now that I think about it, it might have been a better idea to put him on the poster than that stupid robot bug thing.)

4. The coloring. Traditionally, blue is a neutral, safe, friendly color of good, while red is a bad, aggressive, mean color of evil. Yet on the poster, Mom, Dad, and Grandpa are red, while Sylvester Stallone's villain, the Toymaker, appears in blue. What's up with that?? Were the Cortezes the real bad guys all along???

5. The fact that Spy Mom and Spy Dad are more prominent than the grandpa. This is just criminal. Grandpa Spy (whose status as a spy I am not clear on, although he does have a rocket wheelchair) is actually a huge part of this movie,, while Spy Mom and Spy Dad only appear for the battle at the end. And while Gregorio (yes, this is Spy Dad's name) delivers a huge monologue, Ingrid (yes, this is Spy Mom's name) has a grand total of three lines of dialogue. Whether this is sexism or ageism, I'll leave you to decide. Although I'm pretty sure it's the latter. My point is, these people shouldn't be on the poster.

And finally, my last problem with the poster:

6. That vehicle. Carmen and Juni are seen riding a cool, futuristic vehicle. Granted, there is a prolonged scene of racing action in this movie, but Juni switches cars, like, ten times during the race and ends up riding a hubcap. He does not ride any cool vehicles for the remainder of the movie, and especially not with Carmen. This poster is just false advertising.

Wow. I've already cranked out 500 words just talking about the poster. You can just sense my passion for this movie. 

Let's start talking about the actual movie itself, which is a masterpiece. Released in 2003, Spy Kids 3-D has a lot in common with 2005's Sharkboy & Lavagirl. Both were directed by Robert Rodriguez, the reigning King of All Things Cinema (I think it's fair to give him this title since he's directed at least two of the greatest movies of all time. He's up there with the greats, such as Ed Wood and Tommy Wiseau). Both are ridiculous trip-fests that make a lot more sense when you watch them accompanied by a bong. Both were early attempts to make 3D a big thing again, and both try to showcase their 3D aspect as much as possible, which is detrimental to the quality of both films (although Spy Kids 3-D is by far the more egregious offender, what with all the shit it sends aggressively flying at the screen. Sharkboy and Lavagirl is subtle in comparison). And, finally, both are unabashedly, unashamedly made for kids. And no one else. 

Screw Pixar and their dumbass attempt to appeal to both kids and adults. Subtlety is for nerds. Spy Kids 3-D knows it's for kids, and any adult watching this movie (who isn't isn't a bad movie connoisseur, anyway) will feel as though they're being repeatedly punched in the face. Everything about it is explicitly calculated to appeal to the under-12 demographic, from the video-game theme to the kid-power schtick to the final battle with giant monkey robots. It is aggressively puerile. 

The first Spy Kids film was imaginative and childish, but in a way that adults (at least, ones who are still kids at heart) could enjoy. It had a heartwarming, genuine message about the importance of family, and was also ridiculously entertaining, with great sets (Floop's castle) and an awesome opening scene. That wedding! That music! The incredibly tense moment when Spy Dad slides the ring box over the balcony railing! It's just magical! And no, I'm not being sarcastic. I actually love Spy Kids, and not just because of childhood nostalgia. Spy Kids was lightning in a bottle. 

Spy Kids 2: The Island of Lost Dreams is where things start to go a little screwy. There's less focus on emotion and positive messages, and more focus on cool creatures and CGI effects, but it's still a decent, imaginative movie in its own way. And it features one of the deepest lines in cinematic history which still haunts me to this day, so you can't go wrong there.

Spy Kids 3-D, however, is where things go entirely to pot. This move is one hundred percent ridiculous, nonsensical, and trippy. There is no focus on family here, except for the shoehorned-in part at the end where literally everyone from all the previous movies shows up for the final battle, for some reason. There are no emotional moments that don't feel fake and forced (at least, none that don't involve Demetra, the greatest character in this movie and everyone' crush in 2003, including mine. Yes, I said it again). This movie doesn't even try to hide it: it's an unabashed, unashamed advertisement for 3-D effects and action figures. And it knows it. And it's proud.

This is probably the part where I'm supposed to mention Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World, but as a general rule, I do not acknowledge that movie's existence. Also, there's an animated Spy Kids television show now, which I would feel extremely sketchy about if the company producing it wasn't Netflix, which is responsible for such animated film-continuation masterpieces as All Hail King Julien, Turbo FAST, The Adventures of Puss in Boots, VeggieTales in the House, Dawn of the Croods, Home: Adventures with Tip & Oh, The Mr. Peabody & Sherman Show... wow, I sort of feel like Netflix and DreamWorks might have some kind of relationship going on!

No, but seriously, I unironically love All Hail King Julien, which has the most bangin' theme song ever written. 

With all that being said, let us take a look at one of the greatest, worst, most awe-inspiring video game movies of all time: Spy Kids 3-D. 

The movie opens by telling us that it's not a movie, per se...

...so much as a "digital file."

This is a pretty redundant thing to call your movie. At least, it is nowadays. I don't exactly recall if "digital" was a hot new buzzword in 2003, but nowadays calling something, especially a movie, a "digital file" is about as relevant as saying your wristwatch is a "watch that tells time." (This is a reference to Spy Kids 2, by the way. An accidental reference. A happy accident.) 

Also, you will notice that purple is the color scheme of approximately 50% of this movie. I'll provide other examples as we go along. 

The movie, for some weird reason, commences with an unfunny gumshoe detective parody, complete with terrible gumshoe detective jazz music. (And Juni literally steps in gum. So subtle.) The porny jazz plays while we're introduced to the setting (a deserted water park) and our main character, Juni Cortez, a former spy kid who is now running a private detective business out of his treehouse. And before you ask, no, I don't know where the hell his parents are. They seem to be pretty firmly out of the picture. CPS needs to take a closer look at this.

"Where is Juni now?" you may ask. And god, am I glad you did. Daryl Sabara, who played Juni, is now engaged to Meghan Trainor. (Yes, "All About That Bass" Meghan Trainor.) Together, the two of them took part in the greatest photograph I have ever seen.

This picture crops the best part: Juni is wearing toe Crocs.

Yes. You heard that right.

The movie includes a very special guest star: a young Selena Gomez! I didn't even know Selena Gomez was in Hollywood at that age. I kind of thought she sprang into existence in 2007, perhaps from the cracked head of...uh...whoever runs the Disney Channel. Jeez, that joke fell flatter than my deflated ego.

Anyway, Juni narrates, in a way that I guess is supposed to spoof hardboiled detectives, that he's given up spying and become a private eye. His "regular fee" is $4.99. Which I think is a little low.

I mean, look at that Dolce & Gabbana outfit. Doesn't she look like
she could afford at least $6???

Baby Selena Gomez has hired Juni to find out why "her" water park has no water. After some investigation, Juni informs her that the park is closed for the winter. And honestly, if she needed to hire a private detective to figure that out, I really don't know what to say. 

Juni gets his cash, and continues to narrate his other private detectively duties, including "saving cats from trees and finding lost toys," and frankly this doesn't sound very much like private detective business so much as Mr. Incredible's business. Later, Juni strides dramatically down a street while narrating the movie's backstory: "I was burned by the OSS, so I left." Which is basically equivalent to saying: "I was fired, so I quit." 

We then see Juni doing something much more appropriate to his age group: lining up to purchase a popular new video game, Game Over. (Although he's still, like, 12, so I have no idea why he's allowed to wander the streets of Washington, DC alone rescuing cats and retrieving toys from dubiously creepy shacks.) We're treated to a description of how amazing and wonderful this game is by newscaster Sylvester Stallone.

Our first hint of the greatness that is Sly in this movie.

Juni briefly considers giving his money to charity instead of buying the game, but ultimately his 12-year-old boy side wins over when Sly talks about the prizes that can be won in the game. Juni gets his comeuppance when he first gets booted to the back of the line, then trips and loses all his money. Serves you right, you charity-denying douche! Karma is a bitch!

Back at the treehouse, this movie really gets started when Emily Osment (who I genuinely didn't know until recently was Haley Joel Osment's sister all along! The more you know!), playing Gerti Giggles, shows up at the treehouse. By flying. With her pigtails. Like a helicopter.

I would 100% travel this way all the time if it was technologically 

feasible. Oh, and if I had pigtails. Which I don't. Because I'm not 5.

I'm not sure why Gerti and Juni are even on speaking terms, considering that the Cortez family righteously beat the crap out of Gerti's evil father in the last movie and there should totally be a blood vengeance thing going on between the two clans, but hey, whatever floats your boat. 

During their conversation, we learn some very important things. First, Gerti and Juni are both NINE, not twelve as I first assumed. Where are this kid's parents??? For real!! Also, there are hints of a schism between Juni, Carmen, and the OSS that sound like they'd make a much more interesting movie than this one. 

Juni's parents are "off on an assignment," which is amazing, considering that they left their NINE-YEAR-OLD son alone without the supervision of even goddamn Fake Uncle Felix. I know Juni is an experienced superspy, but HE IS STILL NINE. What happens if he tries to pry a slice of bread out of the toaster with a butter knife, or forgets to take his Spy Watch off before getting into the bathtub????

Then, Juni gets a sudden FaceTime call from the President of the United States, who, as I mentioned...

Yup.

Juni is surprisingly snappish and rude to the president, which shocks me, considering that that's George goddamn Clooney, so you best pay him some respect! The president orders Juni to return to the OSS because they need him, and because "there is no retirement from the OSS." Which makes no sense, since earlier in the movie Juni said he was "burned" by the OSS, which means he didn't retire - they got rid of him! Stop being inconsistent! 

Juni emphatically refuses to reinstate, whereupon President George Clooney dramatically zooms in upon his own face... and it's important to note that the camera doesn't zoom in on his face. Just the wall-Skype screen. Which means the president must have done it himself for dramatic effect. He has an excellent sense of timing. 

Anyway, the camera zooms into his face, as he delivers the kicker: Juni's sister, Carmen, is MIA. 

At this point in the movie, when Juni begrudgingly returns to the OSS headquarters to search for his sister...things take off. Literally. Because here is where the CGI starts to go bonkers.

I'm like 90% sure this is the exact same establishing shot from
the last movie.

Juni drives down a CGI hallway at breakneck speed on a borderless vehicle reminiscent of Edna's hazardous chair from The Incredibles, with a woman who I'm pretty sure is a robot and a man I'm pretty sure is an homage to the crazy doctor from Independence Day.

I have some discussion to offer about this 6-second scene. 

A) The robot-lady says they're "taking Agent Cortez to Games and Theory." 

      A1) This spy agency has a Games and Theory section?????

      A2) Who is she telling this??? Why is she telling them this??? It looks like they've been on the road for a long time, so shouldn't she have relayed this information, like...earlier than now??

      A3) When Juni nasally whines that he's "EX-Agent Cortez!", the woman does not acknowledge him whatsoever, leading me to believe that she's either a robot, as I mentioned, or the most patient and wonderful lady in the world. I would have turned around and told his petulant ass to shut the hell up or I'd turn that ridiculous robot ATV around and dump him in the Game of Thrones Theory section, which they surely have, given the level of maturity around the OSS. Although, given the lack of parental supervision around the Cortez household, Juni probably already owns the Game of Thrones box set, so this wouldn't be any kind of punishment for him.

B) That driver guy looks more interesting than any other character in this film. GIVE HIM HIS OWN MOVIE!

C) That ATV they're driving around on is ridiculous. They're not even wearing seatbelts! They're traveling at what must be at least 200 miles an hour with no barriers or anything between them and their graves!

Okay. That scene is six seconds long. Let's move on.

Juni is dropped off in a ridiculous room, filled with enormously hazardous offices.

Sure, this looks cool, but some of these people are 200 feet in the air! 
And, once again, there are no barriers between them and a 
certain demise!!! Imagine all the insurance claims at the OSS.

This section is run by Donnagon Giggles, Gerti's ex-evil father and one of the recurring characters in this franchise, played by Mike Judge. I have no idea why Donnagon is running this entire section, given the fact that in the last movie he, oh, tried to kill like six hundred people and destroy all the world's technology?? And was personally fired by the president????

I just have to bring this up. In Spy Kids 2, there's a formal dinner to announce the new head of the OSS, and all the adults drink champagne, spiked by Donnagon. The adults are all knocked out, while the kids are left to kick the bad guys' asses (the franchise is called Spy Kids, after all). But here's the thing: all the adults who drank the spiked drink are seen falling face-first into their food. Sure, it was a classic example of physical comedy, but remember, the kids didn't have the good sense to remove them and just left them there. Which meant a good chunk of those adults probably suffocated!!! And this is just glossed over!!!! Donnagon is a manslaughterer, for God's sake!

But anyway. Donnagon has apparently been forgiven and is the head of this division, along with his wife, played by Salma goddamn Hayek. (There is a ridiculous ton of big names in these movies. This is just the tip of the iceberg so far.) 

I guess I sort of understand why they let Donnagon run the division. I mean... it's the video games section. It's not like Donnagon could do any major damage here. It's not like they sent him off to run the national security division or something. They gave him video games as a job. That's not a whole damn lot of responsibility. And to be fair, they also made sure his wife, who could probably kill a man with her bare hands, was around to keep an eye on him. I don't get why they gave Donnagon a reprieve instead of sending him to jail, but if they were going to let him run a division, video games was probably the place to go. 

I can't believe I just typed that paragraph.

Anyways. The main plot of the movie is henceforth revealed: Game Over is designed to hypnotize kids and capture their minds. This nefarious plot was designed by the evil Toymaker, who wants to "enslave the world's youth with mind control" because "once you control the youth, you control the future." (Didn't Hitler say that?? I feel like Hitler said that. Is this movie quoting Hitler?????) 

Apparently, Carmen went into the game to try and shut it down, but disappeared on level 4, one step away from level 5, the unwinnable final level. When Juni wonders why Carmen wouldn't take any backup into the game, Salma Hayek says it's because Juni was Carmen's "first and only choice" for backup, but he didn't answer the OSS's calls. 

This makes me wonder exactly how intelligent Carmen is. Sure, Juni's an agent and everything, but he's also kind of stupid and incompetent. And plus, he's a nine-year-old. You're telling me he was Carmen's first and only choice for backup??? There must be a drought of competent agents at the OSS if Carmen's only choice for a partner is her preteen brother. Once Juni didn't answer her calls, Carmen legitimately refused to take anyone else as backup into the dangerous, treacherous Nazi game run by an evil Sylvester Stallone??? 

By the way, when Juni wonders why the Toymaker was imprisoned in cyberspace, Donnagon flippantly goes, "Who knows? It was years ago." Yeah, and who knows why Charles Manson was imprisoned either??? Hell, that was years ago too! It's not like there's records or anything. Jesus, what a bunch of incompetent clowns. This "organization" is a joke. 

Also, the Toymaker is "imprisoned" in cyberspace because he committed some horrible crime, but within his prison, he somehow has enough freedom to design an evil video game that can take over children's minds!!! And no one thought to, y'know, do anything about that!!! Is he not being observed whatsoever???? This is supposed to be the top-secret spy agency who defends America from threats??? I'd feel safer if Juni and Gerti co-ran the joint! 

Whereas Carmen's hooked-uppedness to the game involved her floating in midair while dressed in a black suit, for some reason Juni's entrance into Game Over is quite different. It involves being strapped into a chair, putting on glasses, and flying through a tunnel of obnoxious 3D graphics.

...and the 3D glasses are literally delivered on a golden |
platter. Well, a neon-yellow platter, anyway.

By the way, like in Sharkboy and Lavagirl, this movie has a timer attached to it. Only, this time, the timer makes some sort of sense: they have 12 hours to shut down the game until it's released to the public and enslaves the children's minds. But, seriously...if you know without a doubt that the game is a front for a dangerous Nazi child-mind-enslavement plot, AND it's such a serious situation the President himself knows about it, can't you, oh, I don't know...just ban stores from selling the evil game, perhaps?????

Just before Juni heads into the game, Salma Hayek warns him that "In the game, things will feel real to you." Juni goes, "ARE they real???" and Salma Hayek is like, "Good luck!" And, well, I don't think I'd say anything different. Yes, good luck to you, idiot boy who can't figure out that things in a video game aren't real. You're the one we're sending to save our country. God bless America.

And then Juni flies through this tunnel of obnoxious 3D.

This was my face while watching this movie.

Juni lands in a world of terrible CGI. This is our first hint of how awful the rest of this movie is gonna look. I mean, this is the awesome game that's going to trap kids' minds with its amazingly advanced virtual reality???

Even for 2003 this is embarrassing!

There is one thing I will say about this movie. I cannot argue for the plot, or the acting, or the special effects, but I can argue for the soundtrack. This movie has a bangin' soundtrack. So bangin', in fact, that it's shocking. If you played this soundtrack for me without telling me what the movie was, I'd be like, "So did this movie win 11 Oscars or only 10?" 

Uh, well, no, I wouldn't say that, but the soundtrack is still better than the movie deserves. It sounds like exceptionally entertaining video game music. 

This shit is a banger! 

Anyway, Juni is attacked by vicious, unrelenting....horrible CGI.

No, I did not whip this up in MS Paint in 5 minutes. This is what 

the movie looks like. Also, notice the return of the purple 

color scheme!

Juni calls these frogs "Pogo-Toads" as if he knows what they are, but he's never played the game before, so I don't know how he could. It's not like hideous frogs on pogo sticks are some kind of cultural icon a la Mario or something. 

Another character comes into view collecting coins on the ground, at which point the movie starts to aggressively remind you that IT IS 3D WHICH IS AN AMAZING NEW TECHNOLOGY AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT. 

This goes on for much longer than it should.

Anyway, the deluge of terribly-animated things flying at the screen ends, giving you a very brief and well-needed respite, when the newcomer whips the frogs' asses around by their tongues and thus defeats them. He and Juni have a brief and silent confrontation, and then the other guy grabs ahold of a frog and pogo-sticks away. And this, of course, gives Juni the same idea. He hitches a ride on another guy's pogo stick (that's what she said), and we are treated to another 10 or so seconds of nausea-inducing I AM 3D AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT-type antics. 

This also goes on for much longer than it should.

Anyway, the guy in blue kicks Juni off promptly, with the aid of a weird terribly-animated robot suction hand thing that presents itself directly to the camera for, like, a full 5 seconds before actually doing its job.

Yes, I get it. You are 3D.

Note: there was originally a paragraph here that made reference to the Nostalgia Critic. It has been removed, and I'll take this opportunity to tell you why. Bye, Felicia! 

Juni flies directly down a pothole, where he is confronted with this universe's version of Tobor from Sharkboy and Lavagirl, only voiced by King Sylvester Stallone, Conqueror of Cinema, instead of Emperor George Lopez, Maven of Movies.

C'mon, you can't deny there's a small amount of resemblance. No? Am I crazy?

Anyway, much like Tobor, this new guy is a beacon of knowledge for our hero. Juni is informed by his circular new mentor that due to his fall, he has lost a few lives. He is also informed that once you lose all your lives, you can't replay the game, which sounds like some bullshit to me. I mean, a video game you can never start over???? Who the hell would buy that??? No one!!! That's like spending $250 on a microwave that you can use once!

This is also the part of the movie where that surprisingly sensible timer I mentioned earlier stops making sense altogether, as Juni realizes he's lost 8 hours of time for absolutely no reason. I mean, not even Circular Tobor can explain it. He's just like, "Time flies when you're playing games." That's it. That's the extent of the explanation here. Whatever, at least the movie is, like, 7% tenser now. 

How does Juni get back to the main part of the game, you ask? Well, I'm glad you did ask, because the answer is that Not-Tobor shits all over him.

Believe me. The accompanying sound effect makes it very clear
that, yes, the robot is indeed shitting into the air.

The surprisingly porous excrement helps Juni float upwards and emerge on the surface, where he is again confronted by the characters from earlier (guy in orange and guy in blue, as seen in the previous screenshots). Guy in orange is Arnold, the muscle of the group, while guy in blue is Francis (poor kid), the brains. It turns out they're all beta testers, and are in some kind of 12-year-old version of a gang. Their leader is this guy named Rez, who looks like he's at least thirteen. 

I feel like punching Rez in the face would be a 
satisfying experience. No particular reason. I just feel it.

It's worth mentioning that Rez's stupid name exists for only one reason: so when he introduces himself, Juni can say, "Hi, Rez." Seriously, fuck this movie.

Juni asks for help reaching level 4 of the game, and tries to bribe the gang members with "bonus packs," but is brushed off. The gang, however, does help Juni to reach level 2 by directing him to jump towards a walking target with legs, which bounces him to the moon, which is apparently level 2's location. ("Not a lot of realism in these games, is there?" says Juni in a quote that pisses me straight off for reasons I can't quite pinpoint.)

After bouncing him away, Rez says "We won't be seeing him anymore," and Francis says, "The less competition, the better." Which doesn't make any goddamn sense to me! I mean, you guys are still on level one. You want to win, right? You want to advance to the next level, right?? So how does sending a guy with a shortcut straight to level 2, while you REMAIN STAGNANT on the first easy-ass level, getting rid of the competition??? It's not. Fuck off. 

Juni flies to the moon, and wow, this game makes no sense. We clearly see a realistic version of Earth behind Juni, which is where he came from...despite the fact that level 1 was a cheaply-animated CGI-fest. Also, does level 1 take place on the entire Earth?? Is this game the size of the entire Earth??? Making this one of the most extensive sandbox games of all time and, in 2003, a feat of utter awe-invoking brilliance??? God, I can't figure this shit out. How does it work??? I genuinely want to know!

After landing on the moon, Juni loses one life. Remember earlier when Juni fell down a pothole or something and lost several lives? Apparently, being shot to the moon is less costly in this game than falling down a frigging pothole is. Logic! Anyhow, Not-Tobor the Excrement Master (who, did I mention, is voiced by Sylvester Stallone??) gives Juni a message from the OSS - which raises a few important questions. People in this game can get messages from the outside? Or just Juni? Or what??? How does this work??? 

Continuing on, Salma Hayek and Mike Judge inform Juni that they can "no longer be of assistance." Juni very aptly goes, "What assistance?" A question which is brushed off and ignored. Seriously, WHAT assistance have they provided so far??? Literally none! And Salma Hayek then proceeds to tell Juni that he has "one additional lifeline," which he can choose to use now or later. Which means that you can be of assistance in the future, you LIARS. And why do the players in this game get "lifelines" from outside? What kind of game can just pull random people in from outside? This movie's script makes no sense! 

Anyhow, like I said, the lifeline involves pulling in anybody Juni wants from the outside to assist him in the game. I don't know how the hell that would work - this game must have some insanely advanced technology. Or else, the technology belongs to the OSS, in which case... why can't they just teleport the Toymaker into their lab or whatever and stop him???????? My god, I don't know what to think. 

And out of all the people he could call into the game - including his extremely badass mother, father, and Uncle FUCKING MACHETE, all of whom are in their physical prime with decades of spy experience - who does Juni choose to bring into the game? His grandpa. Who is like, 80. And wheelchair-bound. Great choice. 

This little incident raises the biggest question in this movie so far. Not why Juni asked for his grandpa, but WHY HE DIDN'T BRING IN MACHETE. Imagine a movie where Juni and fucking Machete kick ass in a video game. Just imagine it. (This is your quarterly reminder that the Machete franchise is a spinoff from Spy Kids. Yes, I nearly have a stroke whenever I think about this, too.) 

The robot says that Grandpa has "superior intellect." But in this movie, it goes beyond that. Grandpa seems to have weirdly supernatural knowledge of the game, as if he has played it before. Sure, this can be kind of explained by the fact that Grandpa is revealed to be an old enemy of the Toymaker who knew him well, but...that doesn't explain why an 80-year-old man would have intimate, detailed knowledge of a video game that isn't even released yet. There is literally never any effort to explain why Grandpa spends the whole movie being so damn wise about everything. 

Juni's rationale for bringing his grandpa into the game is that Grandpa's 30-year paralysis.... has "made his energy double back again," giving him superior strength???? I mean, I'm not a biologist or anything, but this doesn't sound accurate, scientific, or true. But whatever. Juni summons Grandpa (Ricardo Montalbán), who appears in his wheelchair and spends this entire movie acting his goddamn heart out, in a way that Spy Kids 3D doesn't justify whatsoever. 

Suddenly, a pill magically appears beside Juni and Grandpa.

As a kid, I thought this was a REALLY cool visual.

Juni gives the pill to Grandpa, who is given a powerful suit that allows him to walk, run and jump. After Grandpa spends a minute jumping around, a random blue butterfly appears and lands on his hand, and he starts prancing like an idiot and chasing it around for no reason. The blue butterfly appears more than once in this movie - it's like the film's defining symbol - but its meaning is never explained, leaving us to ponder what it represents. I mean, who really directed this, Darren Aronofsky?

The grandpa jumps away chasing the butterfly, and he's just like "Don't worry, I'll catch up with you!" Which is hilarious - out of all the people Juni could have picked to help him on this mission of paramount importance, he chose his 80-year-old Alzheimer's-ridden grandpa, who ended up ditching him within 30 seconds!!!

LOL, bye Grandpa!

This was my face while watching this movie.

We switch to a scene featuring the Toymaker, played by Sylvester Stallone - who, by the way, won a Razzie for his performance in this trainwreck. This is the part where we learn, due to the insane Toymaker talking to himself, that he and the grandpa have history together. During this scene, we also see that the Toymaker is holding Carmen hostage in this giant yellow bubble for some reason. 

Also, the Toymaker starts staring intently at this tiny holographic model of Grandpa jumping around. It is WAY funnier than it sounds.

I have no idea why this is so funny to me.

Back on the moon, Juni enters a huge arena and is forced to control a giant robot in a battle against another player, in order to get to level two. And here begins a fight scene that 8-year-old Shady thought was super awesome. Adult Shady also thinks this scene is awesome. Just for very different reasons.

This is something I never noticed as a younger kid, probably because, well, I was 10, but... GOD, this movie looks terrible. Somehow, the effects pass a barrier between "really goddamn awful" and "sort of cool" and mystically enter into the realm of "wow, I actually sort of like looking at this, for multiple reasons!" Throughout the movie, it's PAINFULLY obvious that the actors are the only real thing we are seeing. A lot about the fight scenes is really fake-looking, but somehow, the fast-pacedness - and the obvious appeal to your inner kid - means that this movie isn't totally unwatchable. Somehow, the obvious fakeness adds to the experience. (Especially if you've got a bong.)

Unfortunately, Juni's opponent is a cute girl who spellbinds Juni with her charms. He tries to shake her hand like an idiot, but because he doesn't know how to control his robot, he ends up punching her in the face. Thus begins a rivalry for the ages. The girl, Demetra, is played by some random actress named Courtney Jines who has since dropped off the face of the Earth, but by god, if she's not the one having the most fun in this disaster of a film, I don't know who is. (She also... has her own musical motif in this movie? Literally no other character has their own motif. Only her.)

Juni gets his ass whooped in the first half of the fight, and also loses a life. But he ends up defeating Demetra by... and bear with me, because this is the truth... running around the perimeter of the arena, causing her to spin around so fast while trying to keep track of him that she incapacitates herself. I don't know if that's the most inventive way I have ever heard to defeat someone, or the most ridiculous. Anyhow, Juni wins, and gets launched to level 2.

Back in the Toymaker's lair, we once again see the recurring theme of purple.

Don't ask me to deny that this movie is mildly cool-looking.

Cause I can't do that.

The Toymaker is monologuing to some offscreen characters, but his monologue is basically a bunch of bullshit that I'm pretty sure Sly improvised on the fly, and has pretty much nothing to do with the plot. And who is he monologuing to, you ask?

Now, listen. Stallone as the Toymaker is, by itself, a terrible performance. He absolutely hams it the fuck up. He is SO hammy. But when we're introduced to the three holographic copies of the Toymaker who serve as his sidekicks, and who are dressed up as a scientist, soldier and hippie... well, that's when you start to understand why Sly got the Razzie. This is a HUGE part of the villain's character. He's constantly talking to these three weird copies. And, unfortunately... they talk back.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. This is

a stoner movie.

This whole scene is basically a bunch of weird bullshit that doesn't do anything for the story. But, like, at least we get to see this.

When Creed II wins Best Picture, I want y'all

to remember this.

In a city-type area, Juni walks in front of a billboard, thus revealing that he may or may not be the Harry Potter of this universe.

Yes, we get it, he's the chosen one.

Rez and his buddies, despite the fact that this game is the size of the entire-ass Earth, have somehow ended up exactly where Juni is. They behold him in amazement. Francis says, "Hold onto your joysticks, boys," and... this is not the kind of dialogue people should be writing for 12-year-olds. (Or maybe it's exactly that kind of dialogue. I don't know.)

Francis believes that Juni is "the Guy" from the poster. Legend tells that if gamers find "the Guy," he can lead them through the unwinnable level. And I mean, they're only basing the idea that he's the Guy on his yellow suit and the fact that he stood in front of a billboard for two seconds, but whatever. Rez doesn't believe Juni is the Guy, and challenges him to a race to prove it. So begins what is, in a huge landslide, the coolest scene in this movie.

A mysterious helmeted racer on the world's most badass unicycle stares directly at Juni, in an extremely intimidating manner, and slashes their throat threateningly. This is the scariest unicycle rider I've ever seen in my life.

Which isn't saying much.

Now, hear me out: despite me declaring that the race is the coolest scene in this movie, it still looks awful. Fake as shit. Miserably low-budgeted. But anyway, as soon as the race begins, the unicycle rider immediately throws some electric sticks at Juni. They... don't really do much at all, and he easily gets rid of them in two seconds, so what the hell was the point? In retaliation... well... I'm going to create a poll. Can you guess what Juni does? 

A) Rams the unicycle. 

B) Throws the electric stick back. 

C) A giant hand emerges from his car and throws a pie. 

D) Nothing. 

If you guessed C, congratulations. That is what happens. Juni throws a giant pie at his enemy, who is presumably foiled by the daring attack. Whereupon Juni goes, "Easy as pie." Shut up, kid. 

Okay. With this next part, it's important to remember that despite being a spy kid, Juni is just nine, and can't be expected to do intelligent stuff all the time. But with that being said. Rez pulls up to Juni during the race and this exchange happens. 

Rez: Push the red button. 

Juni: The one that says "Do Not Push?" 

Rez: Yeah, push it, it's... uh... a turbo boost. 

Juni: Are you sure? 

Rez: Yeah! 

Juni: (Pushes the button) 

The car: (Goes into an uncontrolled spin all over the place and throws Juni off) 

I mean...... you deserved that. You fool. 

Juni flies down the track, while Rez gets his comeuppance when the flipping car hits him. He lands on Arnold's car and throws him off, stealing the car. Reminder: Rez is supposed to be a good guy. He is literally not even a secondary villain. HE IS AN ALLY. (Although, to be fair, pretty much every "good" character in this movie except for Francis ends up doing some evil shit. Maybe this was an intentional theme or something?) 

Juni ends up getting picked up/saved by Grandpa, who is randomly in the race for some reason. And then, Grandpa... get this... kicks Francis off his race car so Juni can ride again. Like I said, everyone in this movie makes morally questionable decisions! No one is exempt, not even kindly old grandpas! Francis (inexplicably on a new bike seconds after he was kicked off his old one) and Rez take turns ramming Juni. Which is explicable for Rez, being an anti-hero and all, but Francis wants Juni to be the Guy and guide them to the unwinnable level, so... how does ramming him help anything?? Why are you bullying the Guy? Whatever. I don't know how any of this works. I'm so tired. 

Francis ends up falling off the track, and then Rez tries to literally box Juni with a boxing glove. This only serves as yet another painful reminder that THIS! MOVIE! IS! 3! FUCKING! D!

And now we're being literally rammed in the head with it.

Arnold, in what I can only assume is revenge for earlier, helps Juni defeat Rez. Then comes some pretty unremarkable racing stuff for about a solid minute. In the final stretch, the mysterious racer from earlier, who has now somehow gotten a new car, attacks Juni with yet another "I'M FUCKING 3D AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT" device.

This is getting way out of hand. 

In the end, obviously, Juni wins the race. Inexplicably - despite the fact that Rez's bike was wrecked and Francis got thrown off the goddamn track - they, along with Arnold, are literally a hair's breadth behind Juni when he wins. Continuity is for losers, I guess.

For some reason, even though Juni barely won the race and only with the help of Grandpa and Arnold, his win convinces everyone that he's the Guy - including the mysterious racer, revealed to be Demetra in the world's most unimpressive plot twist. (Trust me, the world's best and craziest plot twist is coming up soon, so hold on.) 

Grandpa comes the fuck out and stands up in the most badass manner possible. Juni goes, "I have to go talk to my grandfather - I mean, I must confer with the wizard of Atari-Sega-Nendo." Behold, ladies and gentlemen: the best intentional joke in the movie. Clap clap, yay. 

Grandpa advises Juni to keep pretending he's the Guy. Everyone agrees to work together, but Rez warns Juni that if he's lying about being the Guy, "that life counter will hit zero faster than you can say oops." Remember that line, people. It's coming back later. 

In a new area, Francis realizes that "programmers," who wrote the code for the game, are around and will bounce the group back to level 1 if they catch them. Everyone splits up and Juni ends up with Demetra, who reveals that she doesn't think he's actually the Guy. She also has an illegal map to the game, which is why the programmers are after them. They use the map to chart a course to level four, but the programmers catch them. Grandpa scares them off and everyone goes on their way.

Now we get another scene with the Toymaker, and I really need to point out how awful Nerd Sylvester's bald cap is. It's so bad, it rivals Kate Mara's wig in Fant4stic. It really does.

This is egregious.

I really don't have the time to quote and break down every single second of Sly's scenes in this movie, but if I could, I would. Please just watch Spy Kids 3-D. It is a precious gem in the desert that is cinema. 

For some reason, the Toymaker decides to send Juni a health pack (purple, as per the norm in this movie). I honestly don't know why the Toymaker makes literally any decision he makes in this whole movie, so I'm not gonna try to explain why giving Juni a health pack is good for his evil plan. I just don't have the answers. 

Because he's a smooth operator (and a moron), Juni gives Demetra the gift. Then, everyone enters level 3, where Juni and Arnold are forced to fight each other; the loser will be permanently ejected from the game. 

As a kid, I thought this fight was really badass and cool, and honestly, as an adult, I still think it's kind of great. It's visually interesting, it includes lots of neat tricks (such as their fighty stick things being able to create concrete in the air), it takes place in a unique environment of floating bricks, and altogether it's just not that bad.

If you didn't think this was cool as a kid, I don't know what to tell ya.

Arnold almost beats Juni, but then Demetra suddenly saves him by volunteering to take his place. Arnold defeats Demetra easily, whereupon Juni falls to his knees and laments, "I never even got her email address." Oh, buddy. Oh, my 2003-era friend. (What would Juni say if this movie were made today? "I never even got her Instagram handle?") 

The Toymaker makes yet another decision whose reason I cannot fathom: the choice to let Carmen go and put her back in the game. I mean, all these decisions must have some kind of strategic purpose. I just cannot surmise WTF it is. Why does the Toymaker do anything? Only God knows. Only God forgives. 

The gang enters level four, and Carmen contacts Juni through telepathy, because yes, for some reason Carmen and Juni are canonically telepaths. (This happened in the second movie too. I have no idea why.) The camera zooms into Carmen, who is right beside them and now has a gigantic-ass metal hand for reasons I can't fathom. Carmen chastises Juni for bringing Grandpa into the game, not because Grandpa is the least badass person either of them know (which he is! FOR GOD'S SAKE THEIR DAD IS ANTONIO BANDERAS), but because Grandpa is the Toymaker's enemy and his designs of revenge might put their plan at risk. Which, y'know, is a valid reason too. 

Rez wonders where they're going, and Juni says, "We're going to Lava Mountain." A surprised Carmen goes, "We are?" I am beyond infuriated. I'm not sure any movie moment has ever made me angrier.

The path literally only leads to a gigantic mountain with rivers 

of lava spilling down it, Carmen, you worthless trash heap!!!!

They reach Lava Mountain, and we get another brilliant scene of the Toymaker talking to himself. He sends a horde of terrifying Tinkertoys after the gang, who chase them into the lava, instigating this huge surfing scene (seriously). I must admit, there are parts of Spy Kids 3-D where it genuinely feels like you're playing a video game - the POV shots of surfing down the lava river, for example, really make you feel like you could have a controller in your hand. Considering how much of a cesspool the genre is in general, I think there's a very real case for Spy Kids 3-D being one of the greatest video games of all time. Right behind the cream of the crop: Wreck-It Ralph, Rampage, 2018's Tomb Raider, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, and Resident Evil: The Final Chapter. 

God, writing that list depressed me.

Anyway. We cut to a very judgemental Salma Hayek and Mike Judge, who are wondering what in the hell Juni and the gang think they're doing.

I feel like this image should be a meme.

Mike Judge says that Juni is "straying from the path," which is really freakin' remarkable to me, considering that THE LITERAL ONLY PATH TO ANYWHERE IN LEVEL 4 LED DIRECTLY TO LAVA FUCKING MOUNTAIN. Salma Hayek surmises that the Toymaker must be manipulating them, and only just now do they get the idea to check for a connection between Grandpa and the Toymaker. This is just remarkable. THIS is the spy agency that's protecting us, and they don't! Know! Anything! 

I would be remiss not to mention that, despite the fact that earlier in the movie no one seemed to know why the Toymaker was in jail, when Mike and Salma search for information about a connection between Sly and Grandpa, it appears on their screen within seconds. There's a lot about this movie that makes no sense, guys. I am suffering. (I know I called it a jewel in the desert. Well, even jewels can have their flaws, my friend.) 

Mike Judge wants to drown the gang in lava, which will ensure an immediate game over, and prevent the grandfather from taking revenge against the Toymaker and inadvertently setting him free; this is what everyone thinks will happen for some reason. (Of course, it actually does end up happening, so who am I to judge.) A rock monster emerges in the game and attacks, submerging everyone in lava. And... if the OSS has the ability to manipulate the game in this way... WHY CAN'T THEY JUST STOP IT FROM THE OUTSIDE? OH! MY! GOD! NOTHING ABOUT THIS MOVIE MAKES SENSE! IT'S A NIGHTMARE! HELP ME! 

Mike Judge's plan does not work, and no one gets an immediate game over (for which an explanation is never given, by the way). Instead, they swim to the portal of level 5, where Rez and Francis have a conversation. Francis reveals that the game's manual speaks of a Deceiver who leads players down the wrong path to their doom. Francis has now done a 180-degree turn and randomly believes Juni is the Deceiver, not the Guy. They decide to gang up on Juni and Carmen. Everyone starts bickering, and Juni is like, "Listen to me! I'm the Guy!!!"

Gee, how could anyone disbelieve him with that confident face???

Then, out of fucking nowhere (like everything else that happens in this movie), Elijah Wood appears in a blinding beam of light and says he's the real Guy. Yeah, you read that correctly.

The greatest cameo in the history of cameos.

The Guy rouses everyone with a convincing speech, then blasts the door to level 5 open. As soon as he steps inside, however, he gets blasted by lightning and his life count goes down to zero (his final word being "Oops"), revealing him as a pretender. No word on why this didn't happen to Juni even though he falsely claimed he was the Guy, too. But whatever. No one watches these movies for the plot. 

Then, who emerges from the blindingly-purple backdrop of level 5? None other than the blindingly-purple Demetra. This movie is PURPLE.

I guess purple is the color of love or lies or something.

And watch the FUCK out, because THE most dramatic twist you've ever seen is coming up. Demetra says that she found a switch to turn off the game and an exit portal, but Carmen immediately doesn't trust her. And then we get the most devastating line in all of cinema. "Juni, she's not real." As a 10-year-old? This shit was mind-blowing. I was sitting in front of the TV like this:

Demetra protests that she IS real thank you very much, but Carmen disproves her thesis with THE most dramatic moment that film history has ever seen.

To this very day. I am shooketh.

Yes, that's right: not only is Demetra not real, she's also the Deceiver. (M. Night Shyamalan is drooling at this twist.) Which leaves a huge plot hole: if Demetra is the Deceiver, then whom in the fuck was Elijah Wood?? Just some random guy walking around??? 

Demetra apologizes for, y'know, trying to kill everyone and whatnot, saying that "It's in my programming." Then, Sylvester Stallone evilly tells everyone that they've won the game: "Your prize is you get to stay here." Evil monkeys then rise up from the ground, and if you love evil monkeys, hold onto your hats, because in a very short time, this movie is gonna make you even happier than The Wizard of Oz. 

To escape from the monkeys, Grandpa directs everyone to the exit portal, revealing that he already hit the kill switch for the game. And... they're exactly where Demetra said they would be. So explain to me how in the fuck she was doing any deceiving????? She just told them the freakin' truth!!!! Oh, god, I need a Tylenol. 

After crying a single silver tear like she's in Eragon or something...

As a kid this was the saddest thing I had ever witnessed.

...Demetra defies her programming by volunteering to hold the door open while everyone escapes. They all manage to make it out the portal, whereupon Rez gives Carmen "all our email addresses, just in case." Wow. This movie is so 2003. 

Everyone exits into the real world, where Juni and Grandpa receive a hero's welcome. However, Mike Judge and Salma Hayek are suspicious that Grandpa was the one who hit the kill switch. They reveal that there were two switches side by side: one kills the game, but the other releases the Toymaker. Salma goes, "Who was the idiot who designed that??" Lady, you took the words outta my mouth.

Wait... Did Monsters vs. Aliens rip off Spy Kids 3-D???

Grandpa reveals that he hit the switch that lets the Toymaker out, because he thinks that the only way to really stop the game is to defeat the Toymaker directly. Everyone is like, "What the fuck?" Then, a sudden video message from President George Clooney arrives, only it's actually the Toymaker in disguise. And for a blessed few seconds, we get a few frames of George Clooney impersonating Sylvester Stallone.

I love cameos.

The ground starts shaking in a presumed earthquake, and the thing I worried about earlier in the review comes to pass: everyone in those ridiculously unsafe offices starts dropping like flies.

I warned you morons.

I am going to throw a warning out there. The last few minutes of Spy Kids 3-D may be some of the wildest movie moments ever put to film. I am not even sure how I'm gonna describe all this. To that end, I'm just gonna put the final battle here, for you to watch, so that you understand that I'm not bullshitting you and everything I am describing is true. This movie actually got made. What's more, this movie actually got 45% on Rotten Tomatoes.

In all its glory.

So hold the fuck on, because things are about to get WILD.

Everyone runs outside to the fakest greenscreen Washington D.C. ever filmed.

I'm sure they could've done better than this in, like, 1985.

This is the point in the movie where the obnoxious "THIS IS 3D" mindset really gets out of hand. It turns out that to actually see the final battle, everyone has to put on 3D glasses. Yes. In the literal movie, in the real world, they put on 3D glasses. When Carmen and Juni don their shades, they realize that giant robot monkeys are terrorizing the streets of Washington. Although they're not doing much terrorizing, given that no one seems to actually be on the streets.

This is a city of 700,000 people, by the way.

Carmen realizes that they need backup and rallies the Cortez family to their side, giving us this movie's only glimpse of the adult characters of the Spy Kids franchise. Apparently, the reason why none of the adults make a meaningful appearance is because Robert Rodriguez (the genius, the visionary) was doing Once Upon a Time in Mexico and was too busy to... I don't know... ask people to be in Spy Kids 3-D for more than five minutes? I don't know how this excuse works, but whatever. Yes, I know that Antonio Banderas was in that movie, but so was Salma Hayek and she made the time to look pissed off in like 15 whole-ass minutes of Spy Kids 3-D. 

But whatever. It worked out, because these next few minutes are full of cameos from pretty much everyone who has ever been in Spy Kids. As you can see from the video above, the first adult to respond is the Spy Dad, Antonio Banderas, who is apparently doing an important experiment on the fifth brain (a callback to the first movie). He does a huge monologue on how this is the greatest moment of his life, but when he's informed that his kids are in danger, he immediately does this:

And. I mean. I guess it's a sweet way to tell us that this guy cares about his kids, but there was literally no reason for him to destroy the entire-ass experiment. He could have just... left. The experiment didn't do anything wrong. The experiment was innocent. Why does he sweep it away? I dunno. I don't know why anything happens in this movie.

Also, Cheech Marin is in this, because if there was a kids' movie from like 1990-2010, he was in it. There were no exceptions and you cannot fight me on this. It's a fact.

In what is perhaps the most hilarious part of Spy Kids 3-D, whenever a character arrives to the final battle, their name appears in this gigantic yellow text.

No words.

The dad arrives at the battle and starts fighting the giant robot, as does the mom...

...and the grandma...

Did you think I was joking?

...and fucking Machete, whose franchise I will remind you is a spinoff from Spy Kids. Which is a fact that haunts me every single day of my life.

Yes, that's right, Machete is in this.

How is Spy Dad fighting the giant monkey, you ask? With some sort of special spy gadget or device? Nope. He's just straight-up punching it in the face. And he's actually winning. But Carmen and Juni realize they need more backup to fight the multiple monkeys, and Juni literally says into his wrist-phone thing, "Call in everyone." You might think this was too vague a request - and who is he even talking to, anyway?? - but it works. Everyone from the previous movies starts to show up.

The first to arrive: Floop (Alan Cumming) and Minion (Tony Shalhoub) from the first movie, who send the robot children to attack the monkeys. The next to arrive: Dinky Winks (Bill Paxton, RIP) from Spy Kids 2, who delivers the most iconic line of all time from any movie.

This 100% deserved to become a meme.

Then, Steve Buscemi shows up riding a flying pig. Next, Gary Giggles (one of the secondary villains from the second movie) shows up to rescue Carmen from the clutches of one of the monkeys. Emily Osment shows up as well. Then... stay with me... a giant robot shaped like Sylvester Stallone arrives.

Wow.

If I ever get a chance to sit down and have a nice chat with Robert Rodriguez, there are many... many... dozens of things I would like to clear up about Spy Kids 3-D, and one of the most important ones would be this: how in the hell did the Toymaker build these giant robots?? He was locked away in cyber prison. Where did he get the resources and opportunity to make these things?? Did they literally emerge from the game and become real or something??? WHAT IS GOING ON???

Grandpa decides he should be the one to go up there and confront Sly. Everyone looks at him like this:

I really, strongly feel that this image should be a meme.

Grandpa flies up to the giant robot's head in his rocket wheelchair. Yes, Grandpa has a rocket wheelchair. No word on why he has a rocket wheelchair. Is he a spy, too? This is never explained. Anyway, he enters the robot's head and confronts the Toymaker, who has been imprisoned in cyber jail for years and should probably be wearing a hospital gown or a striped prison outfit or something, but instead... wears a steampunk outfit with a top hat?????

I wonder if sometimes, Sylvester Stallone looks back on

this movie and cries a little.

In their conversation, it's revealed that the Toymaker was a fellow spy who betrayed his teammates, causing an accident that paralyzed Grandpa. Nothing else is detailed about this story, but frankly it sounds like a much more compelling tale than Spy Kids 3-D tells. Not a more interesting one! A more compelling one. I'm pretty sure NO story is more interesting than Spy Kids 3-D.

It actually turns out that Grandpa didn't want revenge this whole time - he wanted to offer the Toymaker forgiveness for his crimes. The Toymaker is moved by Grandpa's words, and actually just... gives the fuck up. And switches his robot off. That's the climax of this movie. He just gives up!

For some reason, turning the robot off makes it fall apart, and it crashes to the ground in pieces. Some fucking how, Grandpa and the Toymaker survive this unscathed. Everyone - literally everyone - gets into a big happy Kumbaya circle. They all say, "To family!", and throw their hands into the air like this is a football movie or something.

AND THAT'S HOW IT ENDS. I AM NOT KIDDING.

But listen. The most insane moment has yet to come. In the ending credits... ANTONIO BANDERAS'S AND CARLA GUGINO'S NAMES COME BEFORE DARYL SABARA'S. 

I don't think I need to tell you why this is a freaking outrage. You already know.



Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over is a work of freaking art. I have very little idea what to even think about this. It's hugely entertaining. It's colorful and bright, but hideous and entirely fake-looking. The acting ranges from well-intentionedly terrible (Demetra) to subpar (Juni, Carmen, and almost everyone else) to better than this movie deserves (Grandpa) to "what the fuck is this???" (Sylvester Stallone). The plot makes absolutely no sense, and pretty much none of the characters' motivations do, either. There is so much that's hilarious and jaw-dropping about it. This is not your average kids' movie. You can tell some heart and soul went into this... but not much brainpower.

I hesitate to call Spy Kids 3-D outright bad. It kind of transcends badness and enters its own realm. It's a charming, entertaining trainwreck. Critics inexplicably liked this movie way more than I was expecting (45% on Rotten Tomatoes - holy shit), and frankly, I can't blame them. I can't imagine what a great experience this would have been on the big screen - not in spite of how awful the greenscreen effects are, but because of it. 

Basically, this movie is super entertaining, really bad, really good, and generally worth your time. It's a confusing, awful diamond in the rough. 

BONUS:

What did CapAlert think about this movie?

Welcome to my new feature, in which I shall discuss what CapAlert - surely you remember them, that crazy Christian movie review website which hates everything ever - thinks about the movie I've discussed. First to receive this treatment will be Spy Kids 3-D. Be honored, Spy Kids.

First off: here's their review; you can read it for yourself. Shockingly enough, Pastor Carder didn't seem to be too offended by Spy Kids 3-D, even though all this video game tech wizardry should probably constitute witchcraft in CapAlert's opinion. And everyone knows witchcraft is only okay if it's Mary Poppins doing it. 

The very first line of his review reads, "Spy Kids 3-D never takes itself too seriously. It is always just having fun." Well, he's not even wrong. He also talks about how Spy Kids 3-D's main message is... never judge a book by its cover?? Because the grandfather appeared helpless in his wheelchair but was actually a badass?? Holy shit, I never even thought of that. Thanks, CapAlert! 

Final CAP score: 88, which basically means "green light." This is the same CAP score that the first Spy Kids got, but shockingly, Spy Kids 2 got a fucking 71. Why did Pastor Carder hate Spy Kids 2 so much? Well, I guess you'll just have to wait for my Spy Kids 2 review to find out. (Spoiler: this will never happen. Sorry.)