SHADY MOVIE THROWBACKS: The Secret of the Hunchback (1996)

Yeah, yeah. I know I promised at the end of my last review that if I ever reviewed another shitty animated mockbuster, I'd start with Ratatoing. But there are a few reasons why I'm reneging on that promise.




First: Ratatoing is pretty much impossible to review through text - it requires vocal commentary, or at the very least, it requires actually watching the movie while commentary is provided. I can't just pull individual moments out of this movie, describe them, and talk about them textually. I just cannot. It wouldn't work. I actually watched a fantastic review of this movie where the commentary took the form of text on the screen, and said text was appearing and disappearing within moments, so constant was the stream of terrible moments to be discussed. (Sadly, that commentary has disappeared from YouTube.)

If you have ever seen Ratatoing, you know of whence I speak. Every single moment of this movie is packed with stuff to talk about. It's just... a masterpiece. Please, if you like bad movies, gather your friends together and watch Ratatoing. It's a good time. Maybe someday I'll try tackling it, but as of right now, it's firmly on the back burner.

Second... I just want to review UAV Entertainment films for the moment. I've discovered, to my shock and delight, that there are actually a bunch of them. And they're all on YouTube. And they're all barely 50 minutes long, which makes reviewing them a breeze compared to a full-length movie. They make for very good reviewing material. (Never mind the fact that they're all extremely shitty.)

Previously, I was only aware that The Secret of Anastasia - which I had watched as a child - existed. But in the course of my review of that movie, I discovered that UAV Entertainment made a ton of these crappy mockbusters based on Disney, DreamWorks and other companies' films of the 1990s. These included mockbusters based on Mulan, Pocahontas, Hercules, The Prince of Egypt, and the one we'll be looking at today: The Secret of the Hunchback, based on Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame, released in 1996, remains one of their most controversial films. Certainly it's the most controversial of the Renaissance era. It touched on themes that few kids' movies had dared to touch: rape, religion, damnation, genocide, lust, corruption, racism, and so forth. Heady topics for a movie meant for six-year-olds. It sparked backlash from Christians of many denominations (though, oddly enough, not so much from Catholics), but was a commercial success. Today, it remains well-received as a Disney classic.

But we're not here to talk about a classic. We're here to talk about a Xerox of a classic.

Released in 1996, The Secret of the Hunchback is a mockbuster of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. It also contains the characters of Quasimodo, Esmeralda and Frollo; in this version, Frollo's a sheriff instead of a judge. However, Phoebus is substituted for some guy named Pierre, and no other Hunchback characters make an appearance. The plot of this movie is as follows: A) Frollo wants to extort money from the church; B) Frollo wants to marry Esmeralda. The animation is awful, the music isn't great, and this thing was just generally a slog for me. So I hope to god you like this review, because my SWEAT and TEARS went into it.

Here we go.


First of all, like The Secret of Anastasia, I'm going to advise you that this entire movie is available on YouTube. If you wanted to watch it. For some reason.

Here's the masterpiece.

The movie begins very much the same way The Secret of Anastasia begins: voice-over narration which introduces a large building. In this case, it's Notre Dame in Paris. Whereas Secret of Anastasia invented some random, non-existent "Imperial Castle of Moscow," this movie actually tries to replicate the real-life Notre Dame. And I respect that.

I'm in awe that they actually kind of got this right.

In the original Hunchback, Quasimodo's gypsy mother fled to the church to claim sanctuary with her baby, but was stopped by Frollo, who killed her. In this version, Quasimodo's parents peacefully leave him in a basket on the church steps. He's discovered by two  priests, one of whom gives a rather inappropriate smile upon seeing the basket.

"Sweet Mary, it's an abandoned baby! I love when people 

abandon babies!"

Also, his eyebrows are floating off his forehead. Just thought I'd mention that.

The priest lifts the covering off the basket and is shocked by what he sees, but they decide to bring the basket inside anyway. And goddamn, this must be one heavy baby.

"HEAVE!"

Later, a doctor arrives to check the baby with his... stethoscope?

This movie takes place in 1482, but whatever.

The doctor is shocked by the baby's appearance (which we haven't yet seen, by the way) - shocked enough that he immediately downs a few pills (???), and then flees.

"I don't get paid enough for this shit!"

The shorter, fatter priest starts decrying the "lout, simpleton" doctor, but the other priest shushes him, saying that "Little ears are listening." Damn, how old is this baby? Young enough that he's not even babbling, but old enough to understand English?

The narrator then says that "Into the lives of these two men, neither of whom ever thought they would raise a child, came Quasimodo." Two things about this. First of all, god bless these gay priest dads. They're UAV Entertainment's equivalent of Timon and Pumbaa. Second thing: in the original version, Frollo gave the baby the name "Quasimodo" - which means "half-formed" - out of cruelty. But in this version, the priests who raise the baby are kind and care for him. So why did they still give him such a cruel name? Makes no sense.

The narrator goes on to explain that Quasimodo was raised in Notre Dame, remaining distant from the people of Paris due to his great deformity, and seeking solace among the bells and gargoyles. Shit. This movie isn't gonna have horrible talking comedy gargoyles like the original, right? PLEASE NO. I BEG YOU.

These are the only acceptable gargoyles in all of

media, ever.

We then get our title screen, as the narrator finally, blissfully shuts up. The opening credits are actually kind of nice, featuring sketches that are WAY better than any art we're gonna see in the actual movie.

I like this.

Aaaaaaand then the narrator starts talking again.

This is how I feel right now.

Our villain, Frollo, the "high sheriff" of Paris, is introduced. He looks nothing like Frollo of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Instead, he looks vaguely like a dime-budget Gaston.

Maybe more like a nickel-budget.

Frollo also has his own version of LeFou, a tiny, ass-kissing comedic sidekick with a lisp.

And I hate him already.

Side note: the audio quality in The Secret of the Hunchback is inexcusably terrible. It sounds like this movie was recorded on a back lot somewhere in 1975. At first, I thought it might be just a temporary thing, but... it's not. Sigh.

Whilst Frollo and the priests are talking, the priests are replacing the candles on their altar. One of the priests weirdly molests a candle for like 3 seconds before finally removing it.

He just... rubs that thing.

So what does Frollo want? He wants the church to give money to "the cost of public safety" - AKA, contributing to Frollo's personal retirement fund - and in return, Frollo will continue offering protection to the churchgoers as high sheriff. The priests refuse, and Frollo warns them that he "can't be held responsible if something should befall [their] flock." And whilst he says this, he absolutely CLOMPS towards the priests in his unreasonably high heels.

Six-inch heels, she walked in the club like nobody's business.

Goddamn, she murdered everybody and I was her witness.

Anyway, Frollo pretty much outright threatens the poor priests, who call him out for threatening them in God's house. Frollo replies, "Oh, really! I suppose we'll be forced to sing "Kumbaya" if we stay any longer."

Again. This takes place in 1482.

Before he leaves, Frollo says that he's received complaints about a monster in the church's bell tower. One of the priests replies, "You are the only monster here at present!"

I guess the ripoff doesn't fall far from the tree. (4:35)

Frollo warns the priests to keep an eye on the bell-ringer, then leaves. One priest tells the other that they must be especially careful to protect Quasimodo now. And I cannot stress how defective and flawed this terrible animation is. Just look at how the priest moves while he's talking. His face. His hat.

Well, when you've got a budget of ¢10...

We are now formally introduced to Quasimodo.

Disney had a hard task with designing their Quasimodo: they had to make him obviously ugly and deformed, while still retaining a charmingness and cuteness that made him marketable as a leading character out of whom many action figures would be made. They succeeded. UAV Entertainment did not.

Try to guess which is which.

Anyway. Like in the original movie, Quasimodo A) wants to go to a festival that's happening in the streets below him, and B) enjoys talking to the stone gargoyles. And oh god, please, don't let the gargoyles talk back.

By the looks of the people on the stage, this must be

the Identical Quadruplets Festival.

Quasimodo enjoys the music of the festival from afar, whilst down below, the people enjoy twerking.

This goes on for several more seconds than necessary.

Quasimodo convinces himself to go to the festival, in an exchange that goes like this: "Me? Attend the festival in disguise? But I've never been out of the cathedral!" (*Slams fist into open palm*) "I'll do it!" Quasimodo is great. None of that "grappling with a hard choice" nonsense. He just chooses immediately and that's that.

The hunchback goes to the festival. And I'll say this for the movie: though it doesn't broach many of the adult aspects of the original, at least it includes a scene of extreme inebriation.

"I'm not as think as you drunk I am."

Quasimodo steals a mask to blend in with the festival-goers. He volunteers to participate in a strongman bell-ringing game, and SWEET JESUS.

I won't sleep for a year.

Inexplicably, none of the festival-goers seem traumatized by Quasimodo's horrifying visage, and in fact they dare to laugh at him.

"I'm not locked in here with you, you're locked in

here with me." -Quasimodo probably

Quasimodo silences everyone's laughs by using his bell-ringing-beefy biceps to blast that shit into the stratosphere. He wins two dolls, which he gives to two random orphan children. I mean, I have no proof that they're orphans. I'm just assuming.

Later, our hero comes across a guy giving a random speech about how only the arts and Jesus can bring us together. "And so, as a poet, I humbly submit my rhymes for your approval and enrichment."

Are these his rhymes?

For the record, his poem actually goes: "The graceful swan did once appear as something foul and insincere. And so remember this, I beg: not every bird can lay an egg." My soul is touched.

The guy's rhymes are shitty enough that everyone starts pelting him with vegetables, which Quasimodo rescues him from. (This is actually something that happened to Quasimodo in the original movie.) Elsewhere in the circus, a bunch of gypsies are performing for a crowd

And if this accordion starts talking, I'm going to punch

something.

I just want to point something out: it appears that no one in the crowd is actually looking at the performers. I mean, just look at this.

Is there a murder happening offscreen or what???

Here is where we're introduced to this movie's version of Esmeralda. Full disclosure: I think Disney's Esmeralda is, by no small margin, the hottest character they have ever come up with. And, thank god, they saw fit to put their hottest character to good use and gave her a literal pole dancing scene. Thank you, Disney. Thank you.

Thank you, Disney animators. Thank you, Demi

Moore. Thank you, Walt Disney. Thank you, guys

who directed this movie. Thank you, Victor Hugo.

And, to be fair, UAV Entertainment's Esmeralda is probably the hottest character they ever came up with, too.

How did I look at this weird animated lady and 

immediately think "Catherine Zeta-Jones????"

Esmeralda sings a half-decent song, "There Must Be Something More Than This." Unfortunately, the only version of this song I could find on YouTube doesn't include footage from the actual movie. Instead, for some reason, it contains many a photo of anime characters.

But hey, at least you can hear the song!

"There Must Be Something More Than This" is a subversion of Disney's Esmeralda's main song, "God Help the Outcasts." Both songs are about prayers. In Disney's song, Esmeralda asks God for nothing for herself, but instead asks Him to help her people, "the poor and downtrod." In UAV's song, Esmeralda sings about praying every night for a new life for herself, as she's dissatisfied and wants "fancy clothes to wear, and ribbons in my hair." She also talks about her life being "sordid" and says that she dislikes the company she currently keeps. Yup, this is definitely a very different character.

To be honest, this song didn't really remind me of "God Help the Outcasts" too much. Instead, it reminded me of "Something Better" from Muppet Treasure Island.

You see the similarities?

As the song ends, Esmeralda accidentally steps on the end of Quasimodo's cloak, which somehow tears his mask off (???) and reveals his face to everyone, who are all shocked. Quasimodo's poet friend helps him escape as chaos erupts. Meanwhile, the gypsies get blamed for the riot and are dragged off by some guards to see Frollo.

Quasimodo is sad that his ugliness frightened everyone. The poet says, "I know just how you feel."

"For verily, I too have gone through life with a hideous visage."

At this point, Quasimodo tells his friend his name, and even shares its meaning - here, it's interpreted as "imperfectly molded." This again raises that question of why his kind priest caretakers gave him such a rude name. Why not, like, "Tim?" Or "Bill?"

Quasimodo and the poet guy (for god's sakes, tell us his name so I don't have to keep calling him the poet guy, movie!) start talking about Esmeralda. The poet guy says that Esmeralda is "kind, not at all like those thieves she's with." Because in this movie, every gypsy except for Esmeralda is a shifty thief. That's pretty much the exact opposite message of Disney's Hunchback.

In some castle somewhere, Frollo and Not-LeFou are having a feast and being evil. And let me tell you, this feast looks miles better than the weird-looking food we saw in The Secret of Anastasia.

Now that's a feast.

Suddenly, the guards enter with their gypsy prisoners. Frollo casually orders them to be executed. Not-LeFou intervenes, convincing Frollo to have a hearing for the prisoners, because "You know how much you enjoy watching people beg for their miserable lives!" When Frollo sees Esmeralda, we the audience can clearly see that the Boner that Destroys Paris has sprung. Apparently, this goes for Frollo and Not-LeFou.

I mean, just look at their faces.

The gypsies blame the riot on Quasimodo, but Frollo isn't hearing it. He orders the guards to dispose of the men, but not Esmeralda.

"Stick around long enough, madam, and perhaps I

shall let you take a ride on my disco stick."

Not-LeFou once again intervenes. He says, "A monster, a freak, running about the courtyard of Notre Dame, creating panic and fear? Who does that make you think of?" To which Frollo replies, "My first wife." Yup. We couldn't possibly have made this movie without an ex-wife joke. No movie is complete without one.

Anyway, Not-LeFou points out that the "monster" is likely the hunchback, which means he has left the sanctuary of the church and is now fair game. NLF forms a plan where they'll capture the hunchback, charge him with "his crime" (...inciting the riot, I guess?), and then blackmail Quasimodo's gay dads for all the gold in their coffers.

Frollo charges the gypsies with bringing Quasimodo to him, with an official pardon being their reward. If they fail, they will be executed. Frollo also decides to keep Esmeralda as collateral, reasoning that "she'll make a lovely addition to my trophy room." And then...

You can't fade out a villainous plotting scene without 

one of these.

Meanwhile, back at the barn where they're hiding out for some reason, the poet guy (I think his name is Pierre?) is performing some more awful poetry. Suddenly, the church bells start ringing, and Quasimodo realizes he's gotta go. Back at Notre Dame, the priests ask him where he's been. He admits he was at the festival.

My GOD, they REALLY didn't succeed

in any way, shape or form with this

character design.

Quasimodo admits that he started the riot, and despairs over how his differences separate him from society. The tall priest insists that "Those who know you love you." Yes. All two people who know you love you. That must be very reassuring.

The priests depart, leaving Quasimodo alone. And then... oh no......

NO. I BEG OF YOU.

Yes, that's right. Everyone, prepare your mind, body and spirit, because this movie has comedy relief gargoyles. In this version, Quasimodo didn't know about the gargoyles until just now, unlike the original.

The gargoyle's agenda is to convince Quasimodo to get "a new attitude" about himself. To that effect, the gargoyle wakes up more of his gargoyle buddies (no...) to sing a song (NO...).

(Sobbing) O-Our father... W-w-who art in heaven....

Anyway, because the fates have no mercy for me in their cold black hearts, the gargoyles start singing. This song is a jazzy little number. Yes. They are jazz gargoyles.

Same.

The gargoyles perform this jazzy number - whose name I honestly don't know, so don't ask me - about how Quasimodo is beautiful on the inside and everything. And honestly, this song has got some decent rhyming. "Smile for me, just one little grin. So you've only got two teeth, hey - since when is that a sin?" That's kind of clever.

The gargoyle also makes a pretty tone-deaf rhyme. "You may be ugly, but you're still out of sight." Yeah, that's right. He's out of sight. In Notre Dame. Locked up where no one can see him, forever. Is that what you meant, you dick?

As soon as the sun rises, the gargoyles turn back to stone. This is not actually a plot point in the original Hunchback - in that movie, they could come out at whatever time they wanted; they just couldn't be seen when there were other people around. You know what gargoyles turning to stone at sunrise actually is a plot point from?

You guessed it.

Somewhere in the woods, the gypsies are considering just running the fuck away. And one of these guys either has extremely white feet, is wearing toe socks, or they just simply forgot to color that part of his anatomy.

I hope it's not toe socks. Which are some of the worst

things ever invented.

The other gypsies reject the idea of running away. Instead, they come up with a plan to use Esmeralda as bait to capture the hunchback. However, since Esmeralda isn't here at present, they concoct another genius scheme: getting this guy to pose as Esmeralda.

Enough said.

Back at Notre Dame, Quasimodo helps a poor little bird.

No, no, you see, it's not a ripoff, because the bird is red this time.

Quasimodo soon discovers that "Esmeralda" is going to be dancing again today.

Is "be there or be square" really something they

were saying in 1482?

Our hero decides to go see Esmeralda dance. Only of course, it's not Esmeralda, it's one of the gypsies. And honestly, they didn't need to dress someone up to play Esmeralda - all they had to do was put out flyers saying she'd be dancing, and Quasimodo would come. What is the need for a drag performance?

There is NO need for this.

Apparently, their plan is to chloroform Quasimodo in order to kidnap him. But I ask you, does this look like a chloroform bottle?

This looks more like the poison. The poison for

Kuzco. The poison chosen specially to kill Kuzco.

Kuzco's poison.

Quasimodo and Pierre meet up again and prepare to watch the show. And when "Esmeralda" comes out and starts dancing, this weird-ass music starts playing. I can only describe it as a cross between snake charmer music and porny jazz.

Pierre immediately knows that the dancer is not Esmeralda. Quasimodo goes, "Are you sure? Maybe it's the light."

Yeah, sure, buddy. It's the light.

The absolute funniest joke in this movie is that everyone in the audience except Quasimodo and Pierre gets extremely hot and bothered over the fake Esmeralda. Behind the scenes, one gypsy asks the other if he's seen any sign of the hunchback. He replies, "Nah, but some guy wants me to give this to Raymondo."

I almost laughed at this. Almost.

Anyway, the gypsies manage to find Quasimodo, chloroform him and catch him. Later, Not-LeFou reads out Quasimodo's sentence before a crowd: for starting a riot, he will receive 15 lashes. Which is weird to me, since earlier in the movie, when the gypsies were accused of the crime, Frollo ordered them all executed. But whatever.

One of the priests approaches Frollo and asks for mercy for the hunchback. Frollo makes it clear that in return for such a decision, he shall expect the priests to make it rain. The priest refuses, and Frollo orders the whipping to be carried out. Esmeralda, who's standing nearby, also begs for mercy. To which Frollo replies, "If it's ugly you like, I can be ugly too." JESUS. This rivals the sexuality of the original movie.

After the lashing, Esmeralda brings Quasimodo some water. Frollo orders guards to seize her, but Pierre appears out of nowhere and fights them off, and he and Esmeralda run off. Back at Frollo's castle, Frollo is furious with the gypsies and NLF, saying, and I quote, "I'm surrounded by imbeciles, idiots, brainless louts!"

I guess once you dip into the Disney pot, you just

can't stop dipping.

Now, Frollo gets his very own villain song. And it's no "Prince Charmless," but still... not that bad.

Yes, that's right - there was a whole CD of UAV

Entertainment songs. Would that I could get

my hands on this priceless artifact.

Meanwhile, Pierre and Esmeralda are hiding out in the forest. Pierre confesses his love, saying that "I've been in love with you since the first time I laid eyes on you - since the first time we danced." So, like... yesterday at noon? Anyways, they start singing a romantic song called "Once Upon a Dream." Man, once you dip into the Disney pot, you REALLY can't go back.

Real talk: I listened to this whole thing, then 5

minutes later couldn't remember a single verse.

After the song is over, Esmeralda's already ready to "leave this city and start a new life together." I mean, you just met yesterday, but okay. Pierre remembers Quasimodo, and they decide to go and help him. In my humble opinion, helping your friend who got brutally whipped probably should have been your first priority instead of macking around. But that's just me.

Later, the gypsies are sneaking into Notre Dame at the same time as Esmeralda and Pierre are.

While sneaking around, they have a vaguely funny exchange.

"Where will we find the archdeacon?"

"Don't look at me. I'm a Protestant."

The gypsies spot the lovebirds and go after them. Shocked, Pierre turns his head 360° like an owl.

That's gotta hurt.

How does Esmeralda thwart the attackers? Well, she throws a bunch of flowers in the air and tells the drag queen gypsy to fetch. And it works.

Anyway.

Esmeralda and Pierre almost escape, but one of the villains throws the chloroform bottle at them like a grenade or something, which explodes and surrounds them with gas; they both faint. And I don't know if this is how chloroform works or not, but I've got a suspicion it's not.

The archdeacon emerges from behind the door Pierre's resting on, causing him to fall down and hit his head with a rather disturbing thump.

Also, Esmeralda's weird position makes it look like she has been a very naughty girl.

"Anastasia."

"Christian."

The archdeacon demands to know what everyone's doing fucking around in his crib at this unholy hour of the night. (Well, that's not exactly what he said.) The head gypsy is like, "Uhhh... forgive us father, for we have sinned," and whacks the priest on the head offscreen. I don't know what it is about this moment, but it made me laugh out loud.

It reminded me of this.

One of the gypsies whips out a magical size-changing knife.

He stabs a note into the wall, and the screen fades to black very dramatically.

Meanwhile, NLF tells Frollo that he's informed Esmeralda that she and Frollo are to be married that afternoon (??????????????????????????). Also, the "new archdeacon" will perform the ceremony. (The new archdeacon is the gypsy with the knife.)

Back at Notre Dame, the other gay priest (sorry for not knowing his name, but come on, it's not like this movie has a cast list) has found the note; it says the archdeacon will be back soon. The priest doesn't believe the note, and Pierre suspects that this is Frollo's doing. They open another letter which says the new archdeacon will arrive to officiate the wedding between Frollo and Esmeralda at noon. Quasimodo says, "I say we attend a wedding," and then makes the creepiest face imaginable.

This is horrifying.

Meanwhile in jail, the archdeacon.... uses his cross pendant to unlock his cell????

This is some Harry Houdini shit.

At the wedding, the other priest and Pierre infiltrate the group of "monks" standing beside Frollo. Thie movie pulls the whole tired trope of "priest goes on and on with cheesy vows, until the groom tells him to shut it."

Just before Esmeralda makes her vows, Pierre says, "Now, Quasimodo!" Everyone turns to look at him, and their faces are kinda priceless.

 

Matching icons for you and your crew.

Quasimodo swoops the fuck down out of nowhere and grabs Esmeralda, and up they go to the balcony. Pierre grabs Frollo with a sword to his throat and goes, "This wedding is a mockery. Look!" Whereupon the other priest pulls the robes off the "new archdeacon," to reveal...

...he was wearing his old clothes under there the whole time?????

Everyone is shocked, especially this one lady in the crowd, who I must assume just had her wedding officiated by the fake archdeacon.

Another icon for you and your crew.

Everyone turns against Frollo, but Not-LeFou conks Pierre over the head with a Bible (I'm assuming), and then the other priest conks him over the head. It's like a conka line. Get it?? GET IT???

Esmeralda and Quasimodo run away. Frollo watches, and makes quite the face.

Oh, the faces in this movie.

Frollo runs after Q. and E., and this happens.

I have no words.

Quasimodo, Esmeralda and Frollo end up on the outside balcony of the church. And since this movie is almost over and the gargoyles have only shown up once, I'm going to bet my life savings that they end up being the ex machina that saves the day. Also, by the way - with the whole "fighting on the rooftop of a castle-like structure, with gargoyles all around, a beast and a lady, and a man who looks exactly like Gaston threatening them, who wants to marry the lady" thing, this climax is starting to feel awful familar.

I don't know if they were running out of budget or just getting lazy, but the animation is getting awfully janky around the end of the movie. It just looks awful (as if it didn't before). The actors' voices don't even kind of sync up with their characters' lips anymore.

Quasimodo tackles Frollo, who gives up and says he'll repent his crimes. Quasimodo believes him, and goes over to check on Esmeralda. But...

SURPRISE BITCH!

Frollo pushes Quasimodo off the balcony. Then he goes, "I've got a hunch we won't be seeing him anymore!"

Esmeralda tells Frollo he'll pay for his crimes, whereupon Frollo (who is holding... er... I think it's a belt?) says she needs "a little discipline to curb that tongue of yours." Yes. Frollo is literally going to erotically whip Esmeralda. With a belt. That is a thing that is about to happen in this movie.

But lo and behold, my gargoyle prediction was right. When Frollo lifts up the belt (oh my god), the other end wraps around the gargoyle's arm, pulling the thing down and crushing Frollo.

Everyone else arrives (wow, you're just in time, you bunch of idiots!), and they all mourn Quasimodo. But shockingly, guess what? Quasimodo is still hanging onto an outcropping thingy on the church's side. When Quasimodo sees that everyone is alright, he says, "I can leave in peace." And I swear to god, if Quasimodo actually commits suicide in this movie, I'm going to give it an official edge factor that surpasses The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

For a kids' movie like this, you'd suppose that Quasimodo would fall into a convenient bale of hay, or a giant trampoline or something.

This is classic.

But no. That's not what happens. Take a little quiz and see if you're right.

What happens to Quasimodo when he falls?

A) He dies, RIP.
B) He literally sprouts angel wings and flies away.
C) Someone manages to catch him.
D) He grabs onto another outcropping and climbs back up.

If you guessed B, congratulations. Because that is what happens. Quasimodo sprouts these gigantic-ass wings out of nowhere, and looks just as confused as you and I.

So graceful.

Quasimodo flies off into the sun (I think a guy named Icarus would have something to say about that), and the archdeacon says, "Goodbye, my son!" So... I guess he flew to heaven? I guess he's not coming back? What the fuck even is this ending?????

The narrator ends the story by quoting Hebrews 13:2 - "Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it." So Quasimodo was an angel the whole time?????????

Okay. Whatever.


And that is the ludicrous ending to this utterly mediocre UAV Entertainment film! Honestly, I didn't find this one as entertaining as The Secret of Anastasia, and the soundtrack definitely wasn't nearly as good. There were so many plot points that made no sense or didn't add up... but hey, what was I expecting from a shitty 1996 mockbuster?

But you know what? I can give this movie some serious goddamn brownie points for only having one scene with talking gargoyles.