So, as you may have noticed, non-existent reader of mine, the other day I published a list of the greatest moments in terrible movies. I had a lot of fun compiling said moments, and my favorite film on the list was the last, Spy Kids 3. Writing several impassioned paragraphs about one of the greatest movies of all time caught me on to another film that Robert Rodriguez made to satisfy the ravenous imaginations of his own kids: 2005's Sharkboy and Lavagirl. (Full name: The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3-D. Yes, like Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over, this was yet another attempt to make 3-D a thing.)
You may think I'm exaggerating or being silly when I say R.R. (one of the greatest directors of all time, responsible for such masterpieces as Spy Kids and Shorts) made Sharkboy and Lavagirl for his kids. And you're right, I'm not being entirely accurate. He didn't make this movie for his kids. HIS DAMN KIDS MADE THIS MOVIE. His own young children created the characters, the plot, and the visuals of this film in their own imaginations, and the director adhered to the source material faithfully, which actually explains a whole goddamn lot about why this movie is so freakin' ridiculous. (Two of his kids also cameo in the film - look for them portraying younger versions of Sharkboy in his introductory scene.)
How many directors would love to say they had the time, money and artistic freedom to make a ridiculous, stupid, trippy vanity project conceived of and written by their own children? Er, not many, probably. And even the ones that do have that freedom and ability hardly ever do something like this, if only to preserve their reputations. Sharkboy and Lavagirl is a unique, terrible, wonderful movie that I'm glad I have the privilege to speak about. And it's all thanks to Robert Rodriguez's kids.
Even when I was much younger, this movie just couldn't woo me. I did like it, but I was confused by it. Even at that age, I knew it was terrible, and couldn't understand why I enjoyed it anyway. I was going through bad-movie-watcher puberty, I suppose.
Oh, and if you want to hear a little more fascinating trivia before we get started: this movie cost FIFTY MILLION dollars to make. $50 million! Where the HELL did all that money go?! With that amount of money on the table, how does the whole of this movie manage to look so damn cheap!?!? Was the kitschy look of this movie achieved ON PURPOSE? This is almost as baffling as the budget of The Room!!!
Oh, and Lavagirl was originally supposed to be played by Miley Cyrus. In fact, the only reason this didn't happen was because Hannah Montana happened first. Imagine if Miley had chosen Sharkboy and Lavagirl over Hannah Montana. The pop culture landscape would be radically different, I'll tell you that much. Almost as much as it would've been if Nicolas Cage had been able to swallow his pride and play Shrek.
Sharkboy and Lavagirl is a ridiculous, visually awesome (in the worst way), and incredibly imaginative movie that you don't even need weed to enjoy (although it helps). And I'm going to discuss it in detail now. So in the words of Samuel L. Jackson in Jurassic Park, hold onto your butts.
The movie begins with a grammatically-dubious quote which appears on the screen: "Everything that is or was, began with a dream." Which illustrious sage came up with this brilliant quote? Why, Lavagirl did. The movie starts by quoting one of its main characters. I love it.
The movie then takes a trip under the sea, announcing the film as "A RODRIGUEZ FAMILY MOVIE." And then the movie outright announces that it's "based upon the dreams of Racer Max" (yes, his son's name is Racer), thereby giving a five-year-old the first writing credit in a movie whose budget exceeded fifty million smackaroos. This has got to be a first in Hollywood. Why this movie didn't win Best Adapted Screenplay is beyond me.
And then a shark attacks the screen, and the title card, and yada yada yada, and the real fun begins.
A voiceover from the main character, Max (played by Cayden Boyd, who dropped off the face of the Earth after this movie was released), explains the origins of Sharkboy, one of the main characters. (If you want to watch this amazing scene, you can find it here.) Apparently, Sharkboy was the son of a marine biologist, who named his son Sharkboy because he really liked sharks, and allowed his five-year-old son to stand on the edge of the dock and throw food into the mouths of sharks. Where the HELL is CPS when you need them?? But in any case, the animated sharks are so ridiculously unconvincing that I'm pretty sure CPS would take one look at this situation and arrest Sharkboy's dad for reckless use of awful CGI.
Also, I'd like to discuss the names Sharkboy gives his shark friends. Goodmilk. Piggy. Eggback. I love it.
But anyways, one day a huge storm came - the storm is amazingly animated as well, by the way - and swept Sharkboy and his father away from each other, at which point Sharkboy was taken down under the ocean and raised for the rest of his life by sharks. Sharkboy grows gills, sharp teeth, and fins to adapt to living as a shark, which is without a doubt the best special effect in this movie, even if it does violently rape and murder all the laws of science. And then the narrator Max comes into the picture, having caught Sharkboy through.... fishing. Yes. This former marine biologist, who now lives in the ocean and has been raised by ingenious talking sharks, allowed himself to be caught... by the fishing rod... of a 10-year-old city kid.
Max takes Sharkboy home and gives him shelter, being allowed to do so by the fact that his horrible parents fight too much to possibly notice anything going on in their home, including the fact that their son has hidden a shark in the shower.
Let's talk about the shower:
This is the point where we're introduced to Planet Drool, apparently the coolest planet ever, which Sharkboy invites Max to visit. We're also introduced to Max's dream journal, which is a major plot point in this movie (and the source of one of the greatest memes of 2016 so far). By the way, one of the amazing things about this movie is how it blurs the lines between reality and dreams. Like, we never know if any of this is actually happening or if Max is actually certifiably insane. This movie is basically the original Inception, and personally I think Robert Rodriguez should sue Christopher Nolan's ass to kingdom come.
And now we're introduced to Lavagirl. I will say one thing for the special effects in this movie: Lavagirl's costume, with its crack revealing glowing lava, is a pretty cool effect and actually looks kind of real. Anyway, Lavagirl needs Sharkboy to come with her back to Planet Drool and avert a crisis, which is enormously sad because we never get to see Sharkboy in that awesome futuristic shower again. And Max hasn't seen them since then.
Now is when we learn that Max has been reading this entire story out of his dream journal to a classroom full of jeering students who immediately begin to throw balled-up paper at him. Like, all of them, immediately, as if they're a coordinated hive mind. And now, we're introduced to without a DOUBT the greatest character in this movie, if not in the entire collective pantheon of films: George Lopez's Mr. Electricidad, the most qualified and awesome teacher ever to graduate college. We're also introduced to this sneaky, slimy little dick named Linus who's basically the Nevel Papperman of this universe. (Surely you remember Nevel and his fixation with tapenade.) Basically, no one except Mr. Electricidad's daughter Marissa believes Max is telling the truth. And, I mean...can you blame them?
When Max tells Marissa about Lavagirl's powers to shoot lava from her hands, Marissa supposedly thinks this is "cool," which is awfully surprising to me, considering that Marissa turns out to be an ice princess later in the movie, and if you're an ice princess, why would you find a person who can shoot lava out of their hands cool? I mean, she could kill you easily! She's your mortal enemy! You should be drafting plans to preemptively destroy her this very minute!
Uh, I digress. Moving on.
When Linus is called to the front to share his story, he basically spends five minutes roasting Max alive before the entire class while Mr. Electricidad does absolutely nothing about it. (Didn't I tell you? Teacher of the year.) Later, Linus confronts Max along with his gang of minions, and they steal his dream journal (after Max infuriates Linus by saying "Wow, Linus...your skills are...weak," in one of the best line-deliveries this movie has to offer).
At home that night, Max - who has an enormous bunk bed despite being an only child (is there a whole subtle plotline here about Max's secret dead older brother? I need answers!) - is re-visited by Sharkboy and Lavagirl. who eat all his cookies and boil all his milk like a couple of dicks and then disappear, leaving Max to be blamed for these happenings by his awful parents, who ignore the fact that the cookies are singed (which is some pretty damning evidence, if you ask me). And later, Max tries to dream a huge storm into being so that he won't have to go to school, but wakes up to some pretty disappointing blue skies.
At breakfast the next morning, we finally get to the bottom of the reason why Max's parents always fight like animals: apparently the dad, portrayed by David Arquette in his greatest film role ever, refuses to get a job! Finally, the root of the conflict! Also, if David Ar-Dad doesn't have a job, then why is he dressed like a high-powered businessman at 8:00 in the morning??
Outside, Max's mom, portrayed by Kristin Davis, discovers that her grass has been marred with burnt footprints and is about as concerned about this as you'd be to find one of the begonias in your garden has bit the dust. Between the singed cookies and burnt grass, I'd personally be starting to listen very closely to my son's crazy stories about a woman made of lava. But, hey, I guess that's just me.
Here's a little quiz for you: when Max says he doesn't want to go to school (and sounds very depressed about it, by the way), does his mom:
A) Ask, "Why, what's wrong, can I help?" like any normal, sane mom would do
B) Go, "Well, that's just not realistic!" and rip into him as if he's asked her if he can get a tattoo of a shark fighting an octopus on top of a tank
C) Fall to the ground as a pile of smoldering cinders because Lavagirl just fell from the sky onto her head; Lavagirl goes "Oops," a laugh track plays, and Max looks into the camera like on The Office
If you guessed B, you're perfectly correct (although if you guessed C, I wouldn't blame you for it). Jesus, this poor kid needs to be taken away by CPS even more than baby Sharkboy did!
At school the next day, despite collectively laughing and throwing balled-up paper at Max for sharing his ridiculous dreams just yesterday, all the students have come up with their own versions of Sharkboy and Lavagirl (including Barfboy and Vomitgirl), much to Mr. Electricidad's horror. Who, by the way, says he's "not a teacher - an awakener." Whatever the fuck that means. (Edit, Jan. 20, 2017 (Happy New Year!): I have been informed that apparently this is a quote by the great poet Robert Frost. Which just raises more questions. I mean, why Mr. Electricidad randomly spews out out-of-context quotes from Robert Frost to his class of fifth-graders, I have yet to discover. Also, the fact that this movie contains a quote from any great poet...just boggles the mind.)
This movie then continues to perpetuate the old-wives' tale that being cold causes you to catch a cold, in the form of poor Marissa, whose father, Mr. Electricidad, has not only forbade her to have recess ("you have too many allergies"), but has seated her right under the vent! For God's sake, EVERY kid in this movie needs to have CPS pay a visit to their doorstep! Mr. Electricidad also forbids Max to make friends with his daughter, and I'm not sure whether this is more douchy towards poor Max or poor Marissa.
We are then treated to the greatest scene in this movie.
In case you don't feel like watching one of the most heart-wrenching scenes in movie history, I'll explain it to you. Max demands that Linus give back his dream journal, and Mr. Electricidad orders Linus to comply, which he does. Max then discovers Linus has ruined his journal by scribbling all over it, and.... for God's sake, just watch the scene, you won't regret it. George Lopez's performance is just phenomenal as well. Where the hell is his Oscar???? "I know everything and YOU know nothing!" Cinematic gold.
At this point, an M. Night Shyamalan plot twist occurs: a massive storm begins ravaging the school out of nowhere, forcing everyone to hide under their desks and proving to Max that his dreams do have power. And then, Sharkboy and Lavagirl burst through the wall and demand that Max should come with them. Which he does. (Beforehand, Lavagirl pulls a horrifying The Exorcist 360-degree head-spin on poor Mr. Electricidad, who kind of deserved it.)
I suppose now's as good a time as any to say that Sharkboy is played by a very young, very scary Taylor Lautner, while Lavagirl is played by Taylor Dooley, who went on to do absolutely nothing and drop off the face of the Earth and doesn't even have her own Wikipedia page. (Short of Taylor Lautner and George Lopez, pretty much everyone in this movie dropped off the face of the Earth after it was made. Well, except for the girl who played Marissa, who went on to become a country music artist and star in Pretty Little Liars. Which is kind of a step up from this movie, if you ask me.) (Edit, September 9, 2017: MARISSA IS ON DANCING WITH THE STARS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.)
Inside the ship to Planet Drool, the movie tells you to put your glasses on, which is your first reminder that 3-D was supposed to be a huge deal back in the day. Of course, absolutely everything is 3-D now, and not shitty 2005 3-D either, so watching a movie like this is basically today's version of watching the movie 2012 on 01/01/2013. By the way, a lot of critics maligned this movie for obvious reasons, but also because the 3-D was apparently poorly-done and hurt the eyes to watch. I wouldn't know, because I watched this movie online instead of splurging to get the original 2005 DVD release which included 3D effects and glasses to watch them with.
Also, Lavagirl says "blue goggles for the boys and pink for the girls" while handing Max a pair of pink goggles. Is there a huge, subtle plotline about Max secretly being transgender in this movie that I wasn't aware of? Either that, or Lavagirl is simply an enormous douchebag by undermining poor Max's masculinity. I actually think it's more likely to be the former, though. There are a lot of amazingly subtle currents running beneath the surface of this wonderful film, such as the underlying theme of Max's father being unable to get a job, and Max's secret gender identity crisis.
While flying to Planet Drool in their shark-shaped ship (try saying that five times fast), Sharkboy and Lavagirl ask Max all these ridiculous questions, such as "How do you fly it?" and "How do you land it?" I mean...didn't you fly it here, you dumbasses??? How did you get here if you don't know how to fly it or land it???? I also find it pretty darn funny how Lavagirl proclaims they're flying past "Jupiter...Saturn...Neptune..." while conspicuously skipping Uranus. Isn't this the kind of movie where the bread-and-butter is funny kid-humor things like boogers and farts and a planet named Your Anus? I mean, it was written by children, for cryin' out loud.
Now's the part where we crash on Planet Drool, apparently the 9th planet in the solar system. (With no offense meant to Pluto.) And now is also the part where the effects get...wonky. I mean, really wonky. Fellows, I have to make it clear to you: this movie looks like shit. I mean, sometimes it's brightly-colored, trippy, enjoyable shit... but it's shit nonetheless. The whole thing looks unrendered and sloppy, much like Foodfight. Only Foodfight was actually unrendered, whereas this movie, ostensibly, was completed before being released. It just doesn't look like it.
When our three heroes land on Planet Drool, Sharkboy whips out a...thing...
I just don't know what to call this.
...and proclaims they have 45 minutes until "the darkness" destroys the planet. What is this mysterious darkness? Only God knows, because Sharkboy and Lavagirl sure don't. There's a "dream lair" on the other side of planet, where "dreams are going bad," and Max has to travel there and fix it. That's the plot, guys. We don't get much more explanation than that. Although this might be another instance of interesting subtext in the movie. Maybe Max's subconscious is darkening because of his awful home situation?
Here's another point in the movie where another ridiculous subplot pops up: Lavagirl's ongoing identity crisis. Yes, that's right: 90% of Lavagirl's character arc in the movie is her trying to figure out who she is, where she comes from, and whether she's inherently good or evil. It's actually... sort of deep and thought-provoking, making for an interesting character??? (Just so you know, Sharkboy's character arc consists of him snarling and doing karate kicks.)
The Darkness arrives, destroys the silver shark spaceship (say that five times fast), and the kids SOMEHOW - I say somehow because the CGI is ridiculous and I have no idea how it happened - end up on a roller coaster in a nightmare theme park where no one is allowed to get off their rides. Apparently, the mastermind behind all this, and behind The Darkness, is Mr. Electric - who, despite SB + LG constantly saying his name, Max never manages to connect to his teacher, Mr. goddamn Electricidad. Mr. Electric doesn't show up for a while longer, but when he does, you can bet I'll have an essay to type about his glorious self.
Here, we learn that the evil mastermind Mr. Electric traps kids on roller coasters to keep them perpetually awake, because if they sleep, they'll dream, which takes power away from him. Which makes me wonder...isn't Planet Drool Max's dream in the first place?? Its denizens can dream...within the dream??? Yup, Christopher Nolan can expect a lawsuit to hit his ass any day now.
When the gang rescues some kids from the roller coasters, we hear George Lopez's amazingly emotive voice go, "Who is stopping my unstoppable coasters?" in what is undoubtedly the best line delivery in this movie thus far. (Everybody in this movie is a wonderful actor, by the way.) Then, for SOME reason, Max and the gang decide to get into the coaster! Why? WHY??? WHY DID YOU DO THIS????? IT'S AN UNSTOPPABLE EVIL ROLLER COASTER RUN BY AN EVIL GEORGE LOPEZ MASTERMIND!!!!
But anyway, for some reason, the roller coaster takes them straight into Mr. Electric's lair, where we finally meet the villain himself. AKA, the greatest movie villain of all time.
Look at him.
Mr. Electric is unhappy that Sharkboy and Lavagirl have been naughty, including "halting my endless fun coaster and infiltrating my lair," and he says these latter three words in this extremely strange voice that reminds me of nothing more than Khalil from VeggieTales. Yes, that's right. If Khalil didn't already have a terrible Punjabi accent, that's how he would talk.
There is honestly nothing more I can say about George Lopez's performance as Mr. Electric. Well, there is, but I don't have time to talk about literally every word he speaks in this movie, so suffice to say that you honestly have to watch it to understand. His performance is amazing. Just amazing.
b
Mr. Electric apparently has orders from a higher power: no school, no rules, and especially no dreams. When Sharkboy and Lavagirl challenge him, he raises up an army of.... electrical plugs?
Our heroes' formidable opponents.
A long battle ensues, during which Lavagirl tells Mr. Electric to Feel the Bern. Gosh, this movie's getting so political. Lavagirl did sort of seem like the socialist type to me, though.
Okay, that wasn't funny. Moving on.
I think now is a perfect time to comment that Taylor Lautner is terrifying in this movie. I mean, holy shit, did the director film him in the middle of crack withdrawal???
I think those are his real teeth, too.
Sharkboy and Lavagirl encourage Max to "dream" and defeat Mr. Electric, but Max can't without his dream journal, and the gang is defeated and sent to the "dream graveyard." They subsequently travel through a land of terribly animated, trippy visuals before being dumped in a dusty graveyard. Meanwhile, Mr. Electric receives a Skype call from his boss, this world's version of the floating spirit heads from 2000's Scooby Doo, who calls Mr. Electric out for being a huge dumbass and letting the kids escape.
SB + LG encourage Max to dream to help the gang escape from the darkness, but he can't. Lavagirl's identity crisis continues, meanwhile. The utterly terrifying Sharkboy - who is probably the real villain of this movie, by the way - threatens to knock Max out to force him to dream, which is an extremely dumbass thing to do, considering that no one who has been knocked unconscious by blunt force trauma ever dreams anything. Interrupting this horrifying turn of events is the arrival of Tobor, a robot dream of Max's, who is also voiced by George Lopez like literally everyone in this movie is. George Lopez-bot directs the gang to go to the Land of Milk and Cookies, where Max can safely dream. To get there, they ride his face. Yup, I just typed those words. It seems Tobor's eyes and mouth can fly, and he uses them to transport Sharkboy, Lavagirl and Max to the literal train of thought. (Nope, the movie never explains what that is.)
Sharkboy and Lavagirl crash the train of thought in the Land of Milk and Cookies after being unable to keep it on track. (This movie is 90% puns.)
AKA, the Land of Terrible CGI. (Although I can't deny I wanted to live here as a kid.)
I love this movie.
In Max's dream, his parents are happy together, which is yet another glimpse into the poor, neglected child's tortured subconscious.
The gang continues to try and force Max to sleep and dream. When nothing works, Sharkboy sings an extremely aggressive and threatening lullaby which.... somehow works. Max is again unable to dream, which is, as you might have noticed, a recurring theme in this movie. Then, Mr. Electric shows up with his "plughounds," which are basically dogs made of electrical plugs. A huge fight ensues, and Sharkboy and Lavagirl are both defeated, whereupon Max puts blue and pink sugar under his eyes like war paint for some reason...
...and starts kicking ass like a pro. For about two seconds.
Never fear, for Max finally manages to dream up a banana boat to escape with. (Subtle product placement??) The gang sails away, while Mr. Electric very threateningly whispers to himself, "ALL DREAMERS MUST DREEEAMMMM." Whatever that means.
Max says he saw something in his dreams, and can't describe it, so Lavagirl offers him her finger to draw with. (Yes, it sounds ridiculous.) The object turns out to be...a slightly spiky heart shape. Max, you call yourself imaginative??? You can't even describe a damn heart! Sharkboy identifies the object as the Crystal Heart, which belongs to the Ice Princess (who Sharkboy thinks is hot, by the way) and can freeze anything, even time. Of course, Lavagirl, being made of lava, is pissed off at the very mention of the Ice Princess, since fire and ice are opposed. See, fucking Marissa, you dumbass??? If you're made of ice, lava powers are NOT cool! Lavagirl is ten times smarter than Marissa, in my professional opinion. And could probably kick her ass, too.
The gang crosses an ice bridge to reach the ice castle, and of course Lavagirl melts the bridge (in an extremely tense scene which easily rivals Matt Damon's death scene in Interstellar). Of course, it turns out to be a trap, and Mr. Electric emerges from underneath the ice on the other side of the bridge, some-fucking-how. Everyone is subsequently captured and taken to the Dream Lair - a giant bed on top of a pillar. Yes, that's what I said - where they are confronted by the big boss, the mastermind behind the whole thing, who turns out to be...Linus, who now calls himself Minus.
Minus, who wears an extremely evil cape and sits in an evil swivel chair, apparently got so powerful and evil by reading and corrupting Max's dream journal. He threatens Sharkboy by dangling him over a tank of electric eels. (For some reason. I mean, why would sharks and electric eels be natural enemies??? And wouldn't the water, his natural habitat, actually make Sharkboy MORE powerful? Wouldn't that kind of be like dangling Lavagirl over a vat full of lava? It's redundant, is what I'm saying.)
As for Lavagirl, the evil, evil Minus traps her in a block of ice and tells her that, once he "freezes the planet's core", all her powers will disappear. Lavagirl - who has spent the entire movie flying, shooting lava out of her hands, having super strength, and melting into a malleable pile of goo to escape enemies' clutches - goes:
"Powers???? WHAT powers????"
Yup.
After making a bunch of vague threats (he literally goes "Blah blah blah. Threat threat threat" at one point) and jumping around on a trampoline a bit, Minus traps our heroes in a cage. Sharkboy's strength is failing him, and Lavagirl can't melt the bars, so they're trapped for good. What do you think saves them?
A) Lavagirl motivates Sharkboy to destroy the bars by threatening to boil all the oceans and kill all the fish
B) Max motivates Lavagirl to melt the bars by lying, telling her he created her to be evil and that she has no potential for good inside her at all, which enrages her and causes her powers to flare, freeing them, but also creating a rift between the two that lasts for the rest of the film
C) A bunch of annoying, singing bubbles with mouths and eyes float into the cage, annoying Sharkboy enough to make him go batshit crazy and rip the cage to pieces
If you guessed C...you've either seen this movie or you're insane. Because that's right. I thought B was a pretty darn good fake answer, though. God, I should have written this movie!
These bubbles, called "La-las," float into the cage, and Sharkboy's "highly-trained ears" are enormously pissed off by their high-pitched singing, causing him to go apeshit, as I mentioned, and rip the bars off the cage, freeing everyone.
One thing I want to mention: what's with the constant changes between teeth???
Shark teeth.
Literally, like, ten seconds later.
And don't try telling me it's because "they come out when he's angry." In the scene where we're introduced to Sharkboy, he's a calm, happy little kid, and yet his teeth are indeed sharp in that scene, and the film narrates how "his teeth sharpened themselves to a point" after he was adopted by sharks. Not, "his teeth became sharp when he went into a frenzy," or "he developed a second set of teeth that sometimes came out." No. This movie specifically states that Sharkboy has sharp teeth because he's half shark. End of story. It's canon. No more discussion.
Anyway, the gang sneaks up on the now-sleeping Minus (who doesn't have any guards or anything, for some reason) and steals back the dream journal. And then everyone....rides a stripper pole back down to the surface of the planet???
WHAT?
Where did this stripper pole come from???? They were coming down from the Dream Lair, which looks like THIS:
Do you see any stripper poles?? For that matter, how did they climb back up that thing in the first place????? Oh, God, I need a Tylenol.
Anyway, now that Max has his dream journal back, he can just dream whatever he wants for some reason. So I guess that whole "Max can't dream" plotline is out the window now? In any case, Max dreams up a "lava bike" for Lavagirl, who goes, as earnestly as possible, "This is SO exciting!" I mean...I can't explain why this is funny. You have to see the movie to understand how awesome the line deliveries are. For God's sake, this review is so pointless; words cannot express this movie in any language. Just watch the damn film. Go! Go!
If perchance you're still reading this, Max reads the dream journal and reveals to Sharkboy that his father is at the bottom of the ocean...in a submarine, looking for Sharkboy. I have a couple problems with this. First of all, there's no way Sharkboy's dad could know his son was adopted by sharks, so if Dad is looking for his son at the bottom of the ocean, it's because he's looking for his son's remains. Which is not anywhere near as happy and peppy as this movie wants to make it sound. Secondly, Max is reading this as if it's new and shocking information, but... IT'S YOUR OWN DAMN DREAM JOURNAL!!! YOU WROTE IT, YOU STUPID ASSHOLE!!! WHY WOULD ANY OF THIS BE NEW TO YOU!???
Sorry for that outburst. I've been working on this review for, like, three days. I'm oversaturated.
Anyway, Lavagirl's dumb ass once again forgets she has powers, as she grabs the dream journal to try and find a section about her identity. You can imagine where this is going. The dream journal ends up cinders on the ground, and an extremely pissed-off Lavagirl stomps away, whereupon Sharkboy tells Max to "let her cool down," because she's "blowing off steam." (There is an incredible amount of puns in this movie. This is just the tip of the iceberg.)
Lavagirl sadly ruminates on how she knows she can be good, but she destroys everything she touches, and asks Max why he made her like that. Which is pretty much the equivalent of having an existential conversation with God. Holy crap, Lavagirl's story arc in this movie is deep!
Now, Lavagirl's hair catches on fire, whereupon Sharkboy puts it out with water, giving her a mullet.
Business in the front, party in the back.
Max comes to the realization that they should look for the Crystal Heart, because Minus wants to prevent them from getting it, which must mean acquiring it would help defeat Minus. Everyone goes to the Ice Castle, which is made entirely of ice, and which, for some reason, Lavagirl doesn't destroy or melt whatsoever, despite walking around on the floor made of ice and everything. I mean, she singes grass merely by touching it; shouldn't the Ice Castle be a pile of slush by now? But anyway, I'm pretty sure the movie isn't all that concerned about continuity.
As Sharkboy climbs a high pillar to retrieve the Crystal Heart, Max starts giving him advice, including, "It's as delicate as a snowflake, so don't drop it." Which is pretty interesting to me, considering the fact that, like, fifteen minutes ago, Max had no idea what the Crystal Heart even was. But, whatever, I guess.
Then, Max gives Lavagirl some ice to chew, since "it'll keep her cool," and Lavagirl holds it in her bare goddamn hands and it doesn't melt whatsoever! This girl burned a book to cinders within two seconds of touching it! But, again... this movie does not give a single shit about continuity.
Max retrieves the Crystal Heart himself after Sharkboy fails, but drops it, and Lavagirl catches it. The dumbass, what did she THINK would happen?? You just got finished waxing poetic about how you destroy everything you touch! You're going to melt the only chance you have of defeating the evil Minus! But anyway, she doesn't melt it - it freezes her solid. (She doesn't melt the ice encasing her, for some reason. Gosh, Lavagirl isn't melting anything lately.)
A bunch of sentient ice blocks (who are the most impressively-animated thing in this movie, by the way) capture the gang, whereupon George Lopez, the Ice King (HE PLAYS EVERYONE IN THIS MOVIE.) demands they should kneel before the Ice Princess, who turns out to be Marissa from earlier. The Ice Princess tells them the Crystal Heart they took was a decoy, and if they can find the right one in a room full of decoys, they can have it. Max correctly guesses she's wearing the real Heart around her neck, and she gives it to him, with George Lopez's blessing. (Is this a ripoff of the part in Indiana Jones 3 where he has to choose the right Holy Grail, or am I imagining things?)
And then George Lopez initiates a bizarre wedding ceremony. I'm not joking. Watch the movie. Just watch the damn movie.
Anyway, the gang travels to the Dream Lair by...using Lavagirl's frozen body as a mode of transport. Which is hilarious. Remember how they only had 45 minutes to defeat the darkness? Well, now they're out of time. Which impresses me, since this is the only movie where the arbitrary timer actually runs comparatively to real time. It's not one of those movies where 30 seconds turns into 15 minutes, or whatever. Which means this movie is actually, in a way, better than Inception.
A hole randomly opens up in the ice in front of the heroes, and George Lopez's disembodied voice laughs evilly. For some reason, Sharkboy decides to jump into the water. Because he, quote unquote, "can't fight his instincts." Can't fight WHAT instincts? Your instincts to jump into the water?? Obviously you can, or otherwise you'd have spent this entire movie helping Lavagirl and Max out via underwater Skype. I mean, there are some dead fish in the water, so maybe Sharkboy can't fight his instincts to avenge his fish buddies or something, but this doesn't make much sense because, uh, Sharkboy is a shark, and guess what sharks eat? But I digress.
Sharkboy goes after Mr. Electric, who emerges from nowhere and goes, "Hey...WATTS up?" and then starts explaining the joke while Sharkboy makes this face:
This was also my face throughout the movie.
Mr. Electric evilly pours some electric eels into the water, and for some reason this is extremely threatening to Sharkboy, despite the fact that he lives in the water and shares a habitat with electric eels and probably also eats them now and then. I mean, I just don't get why Sharkboy is so terrified of electric eels in this movie. He's a damn shark! The king of the ocean! An apex predator! But in any case, the eels overtake him and immediately electrocute him into unconsciousness. Hmph - some shark. The Shark Council should revoke his Shark Card.
Lavagirl decides it's a good idea to jump into the water and rescue Sharkboy, despite the fact that, you know, Sharkboy is a creature of the ocean and can survive underwater, while Lavagirl is made of lava, which can be doused by water. She swims underwater, dives down, retrieves Sharkboy and returns as easy as pie, despite the fact that, you know, she's made of lava, so A) She should have immediately lost all her life force and B) HOW THE FUCK DOES SHE KNOW HOW TO SWIM???? But anyway.
Sharkboy won't wake up and Lavagirl seemingly dies too, leaving Max alone, whereupon he makes the best ugly cry face of all time. Then George Lopez/Tobor descends from the sky out of nowhere, which would have been helpful a few minutes ago when they needed quick transportation to the Dream Lair, or a while before that when they needed to safely get to the Ice Castle without melting the ice bridge, or, you know, ANY TIME IN THE MOVIE OTHER THAN NOW.
Tobor attempts to comfort Max, and then Sharkboy awakens. He gets the idea to run Lavagirl to a volcano and drop her in to revive her. Sharkboy runs to the volcano carrying Lavagirl in a scene that is not at all reminiscent of all the scenes in Twilight when Edward carries Bella on his back while running ridiculously fast. Nope, not at all. Meanwhile, Max talks to himself like a crazy person, telling Lavagirl he knows who she is and blah, blah, blah.
By the way, the part where Sharkboy blithely tosses Lavagirl into the volcano like a sack of potatoes is one of my favorite parts of this movie. The serious music just adds to the comedy.
Immediately, Lavagirl is revived and starts shooting lava everywhere, which beats back the Darkness. Meanwhile, Max gets sudden, random powers out of freaking nowhere and decides to go fight Minus. I mean, seriously, why does he have powers now? Because of his pep talk with Tobor? Give me a break.
Here comes one of the greatest parts of the movie: the final battle between Nevel - er, I mean Minus - and Max. When Minus realizes Max is behind him, he...ugh. I can't describe what he does. It involves a cape. And it's amazing. Let me try and make a gif here.
Sorry for the bad quality and cropping, but look at this!!!
God, where is that kid's Oscar??? Whatever happened to him???
Anyways, an amazing fight ensues.
In case for some reason you don't feel like watching the greatest fight scene ever filmed, I'll describe it for you. It's basically a 5-year-old's version of the coolest fight scene ever. Minus sends piranhas. Max sends bubbles to trap the piranhas. Max sends butterflies. Minus spits out a horde of wasps like he's from The Mummy or something. Max makes brains rain from the sky. (A very effective fight tactic.) He then makes Minus's head blow up like the kid from Zoom: Academy for Superheroes. (Also a very effective fight tactic.) For some reason, this effect manages to defeat Minus.
Seriously, does this not give you Zoom war flashbacks?
Sharkboy encounters Mr. Electric, and defeats him with the help of his....shark allies that jump out of the water????
It walks... like a MAN!!!
Which raises the question: if he had shark allies under the water this whole time, why didn't he call them for any of the previous battles??? WTF, Sharkboy???
Anyways, Mr. Electric is defeated and we return to Max and Minus, who begin a sort of cosmic dick-measuring contest. Each of them, for some reason, makes a pillar of earth grow higher than the other guy's. Which is, also, an extremely effective fight tactic. Max attempts to reason with Minus, who agrees to make peace, with a dishearteningly small amount of cajoling on Max's part. I mean, you're telling me the villain of this movie is going to give everything up and become good, basically just because the hero said "Hey, man, that's not cool"????
For some reason, the bridge Max built to connect the two of them collapses, sending Minus falling, whereupon Max catches him. I have one or two problems with this.
A) Max is supposed to be the most powerful dreamer ever, or something, but if that's so, why does his bridge collapse like a bunch of flimsy twigs???
B) WE ALREADY FUCKING KNOW MINUS CAN FLY SO WHY DOES HE NEED ANYONE TO CATCH HIM????
Pictured: Minus flying like ten minutes ago in a scene the filmmakers evidently forgot about.
Max awakens back in the school, which is being attacked by tornadoes. Mr. Electric shows up, which is very confusing to poor Mr. Electricidad, who makes a pretty amazing face.
This was also the face I made while watching this movie.
Mr. Electricidad, confronted with a gigantic round ball of electricity with his face on it, isn't as shocked with the fact that Max's dreams are real as he is with the fact that Max dreamt him as a "big, round bad guy." (Or maybe he said "big, brown bad guy." Not 100% sure.) But, I mean...why are you surprised??? You've been nothing but a dick to this entire class!!! I'm sure even your daughter Marissa has nightmares about you!
Max's parents, for some goddamn horrible reason, decide to leave the safety of their home, venture out INTO THE TORNADO, and search for their son. You can imagine where this is heading. And you'd be right.
Just let them die! They suck!
Of course, they don't die. They reconcile. During a tornado. While the mother is being sucked into the swirling whirlpool of death. Also, David Arquette makes a great face during this scene.
Also my face while watching this film. By the
way, he makes this face for, like, 10 minutes.
Sharkboy and Lavagirl rescue the parents. Meanwhile, instead of calling 911 like a normal person, Mr. Electricidad asks his class of TEN-YEAR-OLDS what they should do about the massive, trippy George Lopez-faced ball of electricity outside. Like a fucking idiot, Linus decides to go outside and fight Mr. Electric one on one, which, as you can imagine, does not work. By the way, Mr. Electric doesn't really...do anything. He doesn't attack the school, or anything. He just kind of...stands there. Evilly.
Max decides to use the Crystal Heart to freeze Mr. Electric, and it turns out Marissa is the hero of this movie, as she is the one who wins the final battle. Before he is frozen to death by Marissa, Mr. Electric makes one final pun. ("Get ready for the mega HERTZ!" Wow. A high-quality pun, that one.) Anyway, I'm not sure how Marissa has powers in real life just because Max dreamed she did. I mean, if everyone in real life is now the equivalent of how Max dreamed them, then shouldn't Mr. Electricidad be evil? Why are there two of him? Shouldn't there be two Marissas - the original and the Ice Princess? Shouldn't there be two Linuses: Linus and Minus? I mean... Sigh.
We're near the end by now. Snow starts to fall for no reason, and Mr. Electricidad tells Max, "You have awakened me," in a manner that is not creepy or weird at all, no sir. Max's parents get back together, everyone is happy playing in the snow, and NO ONE CALLS 911 OR EVEN ACTS LIKE ANYTHING IS WRONG. I guess this is a regular school day? "Oh, there were 500 tornadoes, the school got totaled, a girl made of lava and a boy wearing a shark outfit fought a giant round ball of robot electricity with my teacher's face on it, and my classmate has crazy ice powers. Must be a Tuesday!"
A while later, we're back in the classroom, and Marissa is now sitting in the back despite the fact that we've already established she needs to sit in the front because she's as blind as a bat, but I guess the movie forgot about that. We're treated to an epilogue of sorts: Sharkboy lives in a submarine and searches for his father; Lavagirl lives in a volcano; and everything is good. And that's the end.
I know this is a kids' movie, I know it doesn't have to be Citizen Kane, and in a sense I respect that. This movie is ridiculous, imaginative, and fun. On one level, I genuinely like this movie for daring to do what few other movies will: be silly and stupid and imaginative and visually interesting (if that's the right word for it). But on another level, my God, this movie is bad. Even as an 11-year-old, I knew this movie was bad. Kids aren't even fooled by it.
I love Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3D because it's laughably terrible, visually trippy, and full of ridiculous and hilarious moments. Basically it's the kids' version of The Room. And don't try and tell me Foodfight is the kids' version of The Room, because I would rather chop off my own limb than let any child of mine watch Foodfight.
All I can say is, my review could never possibly do this awful, great movie justice. Please watch it and see what I'm talking about. You will not regret it.
me love sharkboy
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